TIME TO SHRINK YOUR EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE?

New relationships are exciting and full of promise, but they can also be complicated by his past – or yours. Andrew G Marshall identifies eight potentially tricky issues and cuts them down to size

How to avoid the pitfalls of second-time-around relationships

Don’t try to rescue him – he’s the only person who can sort out his relationship with his ex

EVIL EX His whole mood changes whenever she rings and he turns on you for the slightest word out of place. Slowly it begins to dawn on you that he assumes that all women are nags, shrews, etc. Cut it down to size Don’t try to rescue him – he’s the only person who can sort out his relationship with his ex. When you’re caught in the crossfire, take a deep breath. Let the small stuff go and when he’s calmer explain how he hurt you. If it’s your baggage, because your ex is jealous and messes up plans with your new man by making last-minute changes to childcare arrangements, you probably know why he’s still upset. Maybe apologising for your part in the end of your marriage will help him move on and let you be. When it’s maybe too heavy There’s still a court case pending over money and access or your children are ‘not allowed’ by her to mix with his. PERFECT EX It’s really sad that his wife died, but it’s difficult for you when he spends so much time listing her many virtues. Alternatively, despite his first love getting married and having children with someone else, they’re always exchanging silly jokes and posting stuff on each other’s Facebook pages. Cut it down to size What has made you hyper-vigilant and ready to see threats everywhere? Perhaps you were dumped in the past for an ex or your parents made you feel second best. Could your jealousy be distorting the picture? If it’s your baggage, and you’re the one pining for the ‘one that got away’, you could be prone to black-and-white thinking and need to remember your ex’s faults as well as his good qualities. When it’s maybe too heavy His wife’s make-up, hairbrushes and beauty products are still in the bathroom or it’s less than 12 months since she died. Instead of grieving, he’s trying to block off his pain by replacing her. CHILDREN You love children but you’d like to see less of his. The weekends when he has access revolve around their whims and tantrums. Alternatively, you feel like an unpaid nanny. Cut it down to size There is one golden rule for dealing with ‘step’ children: don’t get involved. However tempting, don’t try to discipline them – or everybody will turn on you. If it’s your baggage, and it’s your children who are playing up, try to give each of them one-to-one time with you. They are probably just desperate to get your attention and some reassurance that they haven’t been forgotten in the first flush of new love. When it’s maybe too heavy His teenage daughter gives you the evil eye as she climbs on to her daddy’s lap. WILD PAST All his friends have ‘funny’ stories about him getting wrecked and climbing on to roofs. You can see that he has calmed down since his student days, but he still likes to be the centre of attention – for example, he sprays champagne round the kitchen – and loves to flirt with other women. Cut it down to size It all depends on how often he lets his hair down, plus whether you have a tendency to play things extra safe. Did your father have a bit of a drink problem and this has made you monitor every man’s alcohol consumption? Perhaps you need to relax and enjoy yourself too. If it’s your baggage, and you’re frightened of slipping back into your wild past, remind yourself of what you’ve learnt from your mistakes. You’re not the same person any more. When it’s maybe too heavy He’s just checked out of rehab. There’s a reason that clinics recommend addicts don’t start a relationship for at least a year. Could he be swapping his drug of choice for the buzz of new love with you? DIFFICULT MOTHER It sounds really positive when, early on, he wants you to meet his mother, but even though you go out of your way to be charming, nothing you do is right in her eyes. He’s also likely to cancel at short notice because she needs him for something trivial. Cut it down to size Never criticise his mother because that will automatically put you in the wrong, but you can listen to him. Sooner or later, his frustration will begin to come to the surface and at this point you can sympathise and ask: ‘How can you do things