I CAN’T LIVE WITH MY MOTHER’S ABUSIVE PARTNER

Since leaving university last summer I have been struggling to live with my mother and her emotionally abusive partner. It really is hell on earth. He hates my sister and me. He doesn’t look at us or speak to us, and we are barred from some of the rooms in the house and the garden. He is verbally abusive to our mother, frequently reducing her to tears, at home, in the street, on holiday, by text or on the phone. He lists things she has done wrong when she has run around trying to please him. He has a tenuous relationship with his father and his son due to his behaviour. I have tried to resolve the problem many times by sitting down and talking to him calmly, but he becomes agitated then swears and walks out. He blames my sister and me for the failure of his relationship with our mother, but we have never raised our voices and have always kept calm. My mother knows she needs to leave but when she tells him this he tells her how much he loves her. My sister and I sit alone in our rooms most evenings so as not to worsen the situation. We don’t know what to do. Your stepfather’s behaviour is unacceptable. Emotional abuse is just as wrong as physical abuse. One in five women accessing domestic abuse services have been experiencing abuse for more than ten years. There is now a criminal offence called coercive control, which makes it illegal for someone to use abusive and controlling behaviour against their partner or a family member. The longer it goes on the more controlled, vulnerable and powerless your mother is going to feel and the more difficult it will be for her to leave. When your stepfather is out, talk to your mother and sister about this. Explain that for her sake as well as all of you she needs to end this relationship and that she has your total support. Suggest that she contacts the National Domestic Violence helpline on 0808 2000 247 (you could too) to discuss how to set about this and not get sucked back in by his hollow protestations of love. It is also worth looking at womensaid.org.uk. Then she needs to take legal advice (contact lawyersonline.co.uk). If your mother won’t leave him, then perhaps you and your sister need to make plans to find somewhere else to live.