I FEEL RESPONSIBLE FOR MY WIFE’S DEATH

My wife was recently admitted to hospital with a long and deteriorating condition. It got to the point where an operation was the only option. Reluctantly, I agreed that she should take the small chance that the operation would save her. She never came out of the post-operative coma. The surgeon said that death was inevitable – maybe days, or hours away. They asked for my consent for her life-support system to be turned off and she died within an hour. I cannot forgive myself for killing my wonderful wife of many years. My family and friends have been so supportive, but every time I look at her photograph I can’t get over the fact that I gave the authority to end her life. Without her by my side I feel so lonely, and would gladly join her if I were not a coward. I need help. My family and friends think I am coping well, but I am totally miserable and tearful when I am alone. I am so sorry about the death of your adored and lovely wife. You must miss her desperately. But your grief is getting mixed up with feelings of totally misplaced guilt, which is making you feel even worse. Please stop blaming yourself for agreeing to turn off her life support. You didn’t kill her, she was already dying – as the doctors said, her death was imminent. You actually did the kindest thing by making sure that she did not suffer any longer. I am sure that she would not have wanted to stay alive in a coma and in pain, and if the situation had been reversed, that you would have wanted her to do the same for you. You are torturing yourself if you think that she might have recovered if you had not given your consent, because this would not have been the case. If the doctors had thought there was any chance of this, they would not have withdrawn her life support. It sounds as though you have close family and friends, so please talk to them about how you are feeling. Also, contact the bereavement charity Cruse (cruse.org.uk, 0808 808 1677). Remember that you and your wife loved each other dearly, and I am sure that you made her very happy in your life together.