MAKE A DATE WITH THE MATCH MENTOR

At your service to guide you through the minefield of meeting The One

On

Valentine’s Day last year, Hannah heard that her ex-boyfriend Ed was engaged. They had gone out for four years, but Ed had refused to discuss the idea of living together. Fearing he would never commit, Hannah broke up with him, yet struggled to get over the split. But when she heard about his engagement, the 33-year-old graphic designer knew she had to move on. She tried Tinder, and went on a couple of awkward dates with the colleague of a friend, but it never felt right. ‘Yet I was desperate to meet someone,’ says Hannah. Then she heard about a dating coach – an expert who she hoped could help her find someone new.

These days, anyone who is serious about finding and staying with a partner has a coach. They not only guide you through the world of apps, they also help you overcome issues that might be holding you back, from a lack of confidence to a fear of intimacy. A modern coach is more like a therapist. Coach Ané Auret explains: ‘People are looking for help, but don’t feel they need counselling because they aren’t overcoming a major trauma. Like therapy, coaching uses the past, but it also looks to the future.’

A typical session involves an hour-long conversation at the coach’s home, office or somewhere quiet such as a private room in a members’ club. Many offer Skype sessions, too. It’s a bit like an honest chat with a friend, but the focus is solely on you and you can’t ignore their incisive questions and insightful suggestions. Under the surface, the coach is directing the conversation, trying to find out why you are having difficulties. Sessions tend to be weekly or fortnightly, and you may well be given homework (perhaps an exercise such as striking up a conversation with a stranger you like the look of at an event, or keeping a diary about an ongoing problem such as your relationship with your parents or getting over an ex).

Charly Lester, founder of the UK Dating Awards, has seen a substantial rise in new coaches being shortlisted, while Auret and other coaches Jo Hemmings and Madeleine Mason have all noticed greater demand for their expertise. Mason and Hemmings are also psychologists, although anyone can market themselves as a coach. Hemmings has many clients in their 30s. Some have been concentrating on their careers, others are looking for relationship guidance. Their friends may think meeting the right person is a matter of time, but they fear it will never happen.

Coaches use varying techniques, but Mason and Hemmings base their methods on cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), challenging someone’s assumptions to help them change how they behave. Given that CBT is often used for serious conditions, from depression to OCD, it might sound extreme to use it for dating. Yet there are reasons why people are doing so.

Jenna, a 36-year- old literary agent, had been single for four years. ‘I’d been focused on work in my 20s and early 30s, and hadn’t wanted to be tied down to a relationship,’ she says. ‘When I finally decided I might like to meet someone, I found that the men my age wanted somebody younger and the guys who were interested in me were ten or 15 years older. It was disheartening.’ Jenna’s experience is not uncommon. ‘Dating has become really competitive, especially for women in their 30s,’ says Hemmings. ‘At that age, there seems to be more women than men on apps. Once men know they’re scarce [and therefore more in demand], they look for younger women.’

App fatigue is very common, she adds. People get fed up and stop dating altogether. Hemmings suggests joining two apps at most (perhaps

Can’t find anyone who meets your exacting standards, got app fatigue or forgotten how to flirt? If you’re serious about finding The One, a dating coach could guide you through the minefield, says Laura Silverman ILLUSTRATIONS Luci Gutiérrez