DEAR ZELDA

Your problems answered

THE SPLIT HAS TRAUMATISED OUR DAUGHTER

I separated from my wife two years ago because of the arguments – she threw things, drank excessively and now has serious health problems because of it. Social Services were involved and my son of 16 and daughter of 12 now live with me. My son wasn’t too affected but it has had an impact on my daughter, who is quite shy. A year ago I started dating another woman whose seven-year-old daughter has accepted me. But my daughter still ignores my girlfriend. When she comes round, my daughter hardly speaks to her, hides in her room and never wants to go out with us. I have talked to her but I think she may be scared for some reason. My lovely girlfriend’s approach to parenting is with routines, whereas I am quite soft. When I go to see my girlfriend, I worry about my daughter so I often rush back home. Also my daughter texts me when I am with my girlfriend, which annoys her. All of this is putting a strain on our relationship. I want to make both of them feel special but I feel totally split. Children and teenagers often find it very difficult to accept their parent’s new girlfriend or boyfriend. Your poor daughter has been through so much with an alcoholic and now seriously ill mother, witnessing violence and a divorce, so she needs to be handled with the utmost gentleness and love. Your girlfriend needs to recognise that she is dealing with a very frightened little girl whose mother was so disturbed that she couldn’t be trusted with your daughter on her own. It concerns me that your girlfriend gets annoyed when your daughter texts you. She needs to put herself in your daughter’s shoes and see that she has effectively lost a parent and right now really needs her daddy and lots of understanding from your girlfriend. Unless your son is around (and gets on with his sister) or there is another adult at home, your daughter is too young and vulnerable to be left on her own for any length of time. I suggest that she sees a child psychologist for further help and support.

I DON’T WANT TO WORK WITH MY EX

I recently discovered that my ex-husband is joining the company I work for, though we won’t be in the same office. I am aggrieved that we may bump into each other, causing us both embarrassment. We divorced ten years ago and don’t have children together. Other people in the company know we were married and I imagine they are expecting some friction, which makes me feel less confident in my work as a senior manager. I don’t know why I can’t let go, as I don’t have any feelings for him. On top of this my current marriage is under a huge amount of strain with the pressure of work and young children. The same problems that I experienced with my first husband are starting to reappear. I wonder if these feelings are more about how I feel about myself. I do have an underlying need to be liked by others. As your colleagues know the background they will probably initially wonder how you are going to manage with your ex joining the company. So just say to yourself: this is a working environment, I will treat him like any other colleague. So be polite and friendly but stick to work issues and don’t be tempted to stray into the past or ask too much about his life outside work. What does need to be addressed is your current marriage. As you suspect, it sounds as though you may be repeating patterns of behaviour. Perhaps you see criticism when there is none because you were put down as a child. Maybe you have low self-esteem, which fuels your need to be liked because you understandably want the reassurance. Have joint counselling with Relate (relate.org.uk) to explore this and hopefully restore your relationship with your current husband.

HE’S ABUSIVE AND CONTROLLING

I have been married since 1994 yet my husband and I could not be further apart. We have two children, the youngest is nine. Some years ago my husband couldn’t always rise to the occasion sexually as he is a type 1 diabetic, but our sex life was still satisfactory. One night, however, he made me have sex even though I said no. I was angry and felt he had raped me, so sex stopped. He turned to porn, which continues to this day and now he doesn’t want sex with me. On a couple of occasions he has tried to date other women. I believe this is down to us both neglecting our relationship but he can be abusive and tries to control me. I love him but I am not sure if I want to leave or stay. Abusive and controlling behaviour is totally unacceptable and eventually destroys relationships, and your husband should never have forced sex on you. It must also be hurtful to feel sexually rejected now in favour of porn. The fact that he shows interest in other women suggests that he is still interested in sex but sadly not with you. I know this is hard, as you say you still love him, but it does not sound as if he is still in love with you. Unless he is prepared to change the way he treats you, you will never be happy married to him. Have counselling with the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk) to help you end the marriage.