‘I’m sitting alone at the kitchen table with a bottle of wine and Facebook’

The Cows I wasn’t born to be alone. I came into this world three minutes after Alice and spent my entire life, until I was 26, with her. And then she died and there I was, in our home, looking into the abyss of my life, not knowing if I would ever have someone to be close to again.

Then, a year later at Jessica’s wedding, my first big social outing since Alice’s funeral, I met Phil. Because a lot of the same people were there, they all wanted to talk about Alice. So when I realised that Phil fancied me I locked myself on to him and didn’t leave his side all night. He seemed to like me, despite my darkness. He wasn’t the guy I imagined myself with but he was a ticket out of solitude. But look at me now. Sitting alone at the kitchen table with a bottle of red wine and nothing but Facebook to remind me that I should have more people in my life than I do.

I pour more wine and log into Alice’s Facebook account. When I’m feeling sad, this is the first place I come (after the wine). Her messages still feel so alive to me... But there is one message that is really hard to read. The one she sent to all her friends to tell them she was dying. I didn’t see it until after she’d gone, because she didn’t include me in the list of people she sent it to. ‘Hello to all of my wonderful friends. ‘As you know, I’ve not been well. Some of you know why, but it’s time for you all to know that I have cancer, and it’s not going away.

‘I know you’re going to find this sad, and it is. I’m in shock; I feel cheated, I feel angry and all of those things. But I also feel grateful. Grateful that I didn’t die in an accident and not get the chance to say my goodbyes. I’m sorry for the group message, but I wanted you all to know a few things.

‘I am dying really happy. It’s been short, but I’ve had a good life, the one I wanted. I am in pain, but I am not scared. Apart from one thing: my sister. I want to ask you all to do something for me because I need to know she won’t be alone. Stella isn’t dealing with this very well and I understand why, because if it was her dying, I wouldn’t deal with it well either. But I’m going to die and we can’t avoid it. She’s going to go into a hole when I’ve gone, and she’s going to cut you all out and suffer alone. Please don’t let her. Please go to see her, talk to her, make her get out. She will get through this if she has people to help her, so I am asking you, my friends, to help her. For me. Thank you. Alice xx’

I wipe tears from my cheeks. I was so loved. So protected by her. But as soon as she died, that was gone. It took no more than a year for all those people to stop bothering with me. Sure, I turned down every invite, I rarely answered my phone, but weren’t they supposed to push through that? Understand that my healing would take time, guide me out of my ‘hole’? They call themselves her friends, but they never committed to her dying wish. I hate them. I pour the rest of the bottle into my glass and drink it.

The Cows