DEAR ZELDA

Just before his 40th birthday, my husband of 12 years had an affair with a colleague. He is now 44; I’m 53. He works away from home a lot. We managed to work things out, although he never apologised. He said he didn’t think I still loved him and our sexual relationship was not what it used to be, which was partly my fault. Last time he came home, he wouldn’t get close to me and kept taking off his wedding ring, yet he still wanted to cuddle me in bed and have sex. Then I discovered he had been talking to another woman when a text came though by mistake to my iPad. I rang her number and she told me they were in the army together 15 years ago but she said she didn’t have to speak to me as I was separated from my husband. When I challenged my husband he denied this and said he loved me and always will and that they were just chatting. He will not talk about divorce and it’s hard for me to leave him. I would love things to work out as he has been the kindest, most loving man I have ever known and I still love him, but I fear he is always going to do this and that rather makes a mockery of our marriage. Your husband has already been unfaithful and did not even apologise. Now he’s flirting with another woman and has lied to her about the state of your marriage, which suggests he is on the way to having another affair. The majority of men who have serial affairs don’t want to leave their marriage, especially if they still have feelings for their wife and there are children involved. What they enjoy are all the benefits of marriage and family life, with some extra excitement on the side. The mistress often falls in love and thinks the man is going to leave his wife for her. If discovered, the man usually ends the affair but then when things are back to normal in the marriage, he often embarks on another. So even though you love him do you think you could really stay married if this was the situation? He may be kind in many ways, but this aspect of him is not kind at all. My book To Love, Honour and Betray; Why Affairs Happen and How to Survive Them (£10, Thistle Publishing) may help you further.