REAL LIVES: ‘I FELT AIRBRUSHED OUT OF MY SON’S LIFE’

child to find their birth family is strong. It’s the pull of genetics, of looking like other people,’ Hancock says. ‘If you’re an adult, possibly with children of your own, you’re probably not looking for a “mum”, and if the adoptive parents feel part of the journey, it can help. It can even bring them and their children closer together. They may share emotions and have conversations they’ve not had before, such as, “What was it like bringing home a six-week- old baby?” In the best reunions, both adoptive and birth parents meet, and thank each other for what each has given the child.’

With modern adoptions, the issues are very different. Most children who are adopted now are older and have been removed from their birth families by the courts due to neglect or abuse. Despite this, they often have contact with family members via intermediaries or information about their backgrounds so it’s easy for them to find their birth parents on social media and organise their own reunions, without professional support, perhaps encouraged by the happy examples they see on TV. ‘In these cases, the risks are far greater than with the adoptions of the 60s and 70s,’ says Hancock. ‘It often ends in difficult situations.’

This is something that Vicky, 50, experienced first-hand as the mother of two adopted daughters, now 17 and 20. Last year, her youngest daughter Ella found her birth mother online who then promised her many things. ‘She had made Facebook posts every year on Ella’s birthday,’ says Vicky, ‘and she wanted Ella back. She said she could have her own room and a dog. She said that we had been lying to her and that she had done nothing wrong. She told Ella that she had been taken away because the family didn’t have much money.’

Though Ella kept all this secret, her behaviour at school became so difficult that she was excluded. She stopped calling Vicky ‘Mum’ and insisted she wanted to return to her ‘real family’. It was only when Ella secretly met her birth family – her mother and brother – at a fairground where her brother was working that she was jolted back to reality.

‘My birth mother was skinny and not very clean. You could see she was an alcoholic,’ says Ella. ‘My brother threatened to kill my [adoptive] dad and our family dog.’ Instead of a Long Lost Family- style reunion, Ella called Vicky in tears asking her to collect her. She’s had no contact with her birth family since.

According to Sue Armstrong Brown, CEO of Adoption UK, the likelihood of birth parents arriving back on the scene is something that modern adoptive parents must prepare for. ‘Good practice’ is evolving here. Parents must keep pace with their children’s use of social media and somehow ensure that they understand why they were adopted, without triggering shame or burdening them with upsetting information when they’re too young to deal with it.

‘All teenagers search for their identity,’ says Armstrong Brown, ‘and if they are adopted, they can be prone to fantasise: “No one here understands me, so I’ll go to live with my birth parents.” But if you grow up with a good understanding of your background, that’s less likely to happen.’

All of this is much easier said than done, of course, and in some cases a young person’s contact with their birth family can cause an adoption to break down completely, as it did for Sarah, 49, and John, 50, who adopted Cassie eight years ago when she was four. ‘Cassie was born in a women’s refuge and lived in a difficult family until she was taken into care at the age of three,’ explains Sarah. ‘She came to us as a traumatised child with massive anger rages that have never stopped. We tried everything. Years of therapy. Stronger boundaries. Looser boundaries. No pressure. More pressure. Respite care to give everyone a break…’

Six months ago, Cassie, 12, found her birth family through Facebook. ‘She walked into our bedroom one night and said, “I’ve made contact with my brother. Can I give him my number?” He had told her about their birth mother who had had another little girl. She looks a lot like Cassie so she was excited. We’ve always been as open as we could about her birth family, but I didn’t think we would be facing this situation until she was 18.’

Things moved fast. ‘Cassie wanted the reunion to be life- changing; she wanted to reconnect,’ says Sarah. ‘We tried to explain the dangers, but at 12 she simply couldn’t process it.’ Her behaviour, always challenging, went off the rails. She stopped going to school, stayed out at night, started smoking and, Sarah suspects, using drugs.

At her wits’ end, Sarah asked social services to contact Cassie’s birth mother and carry out a risk assessment to establish whether she could safely meet Cassie again. They established that her life was less chaotic, she had kept her second daughter and she wanted Cassie to return. ‘And Cassie wants to go,’ says Sarah. ‘In her eyes, her birth mother is her real mother and therefore her life is going to be better.’

Now steps are in place for the two to meet, with a long-term plan for Cassie to return full-time. ‘The other day she said, “I’ve been thinking… I’m going to start calling you Sarah and save Mum for my mother.”’ After eight years of love, heartache, hope and exhaustion, Sarah’s mothering is coming to an end.

‘Reunions are tremendously emotional, difficult and complicated. It’s not something you see much on TV,’ says Hancock. ‘In reality, the birth family was always “out there” – they never went away. Though it’s hard, adoptive parents need to support the child in what actions they want to take because they love them.’

And this is how Sarah sees it – leading Cassie back to her birth mother is an act of love. ‘For both me and my husband, there’s a mix of sadness and relief,’ she says. ‘When we started out, we thought that if we loved Cassie and were good people, it would be enough for her. But Cassie loves her birth family. That bond still exists. It’s heartbreaking, but if letting go means her life will be better and she’ll be somewhere she feels she belongs, then that’s what we will do. If you adopt a child, you have to be selfless. We’re taking it step by step.’