My mother thinks I’m not strict enough with my children

My relationship with my mother has never been easy but I do love her and don’t want to hurt her feelings. However, she keeps telling me how to bring up our children and now I am worried that I am getting it all wrong. I am married to a lovely man and we have a son of ten and a daughter of eight. We see quite a lot of my parents as they live nearby and my mother helps with childcare and babysitting. She thinks I am not nearly strict enough and that I should tell them off when they answer back, have much earlier bedtimes and that they should be punished by stopping their pocket money if they misbehave. She also thinks that they should be smacked if they are rude or unruly (in her eyes). I am an only child, and was brought up quite strictly and, even now, I find it quite difficult to stand up for myself. Sadly it seems that your mother is trying to inflict the same regime on her grandchildren as you were subjected to. They are your children, and how you and your husband choose to bring them up is your decision. Guidelines are important so that children know what is unacceptable and what is the right behaviour: gentle firmness is important but they should never be smacked. Love, however, is essential. As you already know, you are less assertive than you could be because of your strict upbringing, so you need to work on building up your confidence and self-esteem. I suggest, with your husband’s support, that you talk to your mother and tell her that you love her, but make it clear that it is your choice how you bring up your children. Explain that you felt your upbringing was too strict and it didn’t make you happy. Also mention how important it is to praise children often. She may be cross to start with, but hopefully she will accept it in time. For further help there are some really good parenting advice videos at Family Lives (familylives.org.uk, 0808 800 2222).