By the 30-something lesbian new mum

‘AT THIS RATE WE MIGHT NEVER MAKE LOVE AGAIN’

MONDAY

I’ve always assumed our gay male couple friends are having sex constantly, given that men – so I hear – are generally hornier than Love Islanders after a pint of rosé. So I was surprised to discover at a dinner party my wife and I hosted tonight, after a few bottles of wine, that Adam and Steve are as bereft of passionate lovemaking as us. And we have a one-year-old baby as an excuse. They claim that after a decade together, they prefer a good night’s sleep over a steamy sesh. Trying to remember what a good night’s sleep is like. Our son wakes between 4.30-5am each day. It’s no wonder we both conk out at 10pm.

TUESDAY

We are just managing to have sex once a month. I think we are so deep into our roles as mothers that we struggle to shift into the headspace for intimate relations. I have ‘The Wheels on The Bus’ playing on repeat inside my brain, which is no Barry White. Thankfully, neither of us is pressuring the other or making them feel bad for the lack of ‘action’. But maybe that’s part of the problem. My straight girlfriends say it’s often their husbands who encourage them back into sex after having a baby because they really want/need it. My wife and I feel neither. At this rate we might never make love again, but we’d still be perfectly happy.

WEDNESDAY

My wife bought me a vibrator from upmarket sex shop Coco de Mer in the hope it might reinvigorate our love life. Within 24 hours I’ve lost the charger – it must have been tidied into the electricals drawer which is a tangle of wires. So literally nothing is getting turned on tonight.

THURSDAY

We haven’t had a night out together for six months. We don’t have family nearby and our friends have expressed little interest in babysitting. My wife and I both work part time so we split childcare – neither of us can bring ourselves to leave him with a stranger. But tonight my sister came for lunch and, when she heard it was our wedding anniversary (we had both forgotten until this morning), offered to stay over so we could go to a restaurant. It felt so good to reconnect, just the two of us. We were too tired and full to have sex after but we did share a passionate kiss on the doorstep which made me tingle in a way I hadn’t for a long time.

FRIDAY

That kiss opened the floodgates: almost as soon as our son was asleep at 7pm, we embraced in the kitchen – and before I knew it we were writhing around naked between the Ocado bags we hadn’t put away yet. We stopped briefly to find the baby monitor, but got straight back to it. I remembered how much I actually enjoy sex with my wife. Why don’t we do this more often?

SATURDAY

Discovered new season of Big Little Lies on Sky. That means any chance of going to bed early to make love is as dead as that dude in season one.

SUNDAY

My son is shuffling around on our bedroom floor when I notice he’s holding a wire and is about to put a plug in his mouth. My ‘nooo’ quickly turns to ‘yessss’ when I realise it’s the charger for my vibrator. My wife is out tonight so I’m looking forward to some ‘me time’. Except the baby won’t sleep and I’m hanging over his cot singing ‘The Wheels on the Bus’ till wife gets back at midnight. She gets him to sleep instantly and is, I think, a bit drunk, so the night ends with an orgasm after all.

SEX TALLY: 2