I’m having an affair with my wife’s best friend

QI am a 60-year-old man and have been married for 35 years. I was diagnosed with prostate cancer four years ago and underwent eight weeks of radiotherapy and three years of hormone treatment, which resulted in the total loss of any sexual interest and my ability to perform. My wife was very supportive and said it was a small price to pay to be cleared of the cancer. Six months after completing the hormone treatment, my sexual feelings returned. I tried to resume our sex life but my wife said she did not want to start ‘that nonsense’ again and even refuses to cuddle. We still share a bed but now my wife is suggesting separate bedrooms. She may have discussed this with a good friend of hers, who told me how much she missed sex and a man to cuddle. My wife’s friend and I have now started being intimate with each other one afternoon a week, though she makes no demands on me to leave my marriage. As much as I love our time together, I live in fear of my wife finding out and the hurt this would cause – and how it could even end our marriage. I will continue to try to talk to my wife in the hope that she changes her mind so I can end the relationship with her friend. What’s the best way to do this?

AI am so glad that your cancer has been treated. However, as making love is such an important part of a relationship, it is sad that your wife is rejecting you. Try approaching her very gently. Tell her how much you love her and how understanding and caring she was when you were having problems sexually because of the cancer. But explain that it would mean so much to you if you could talk about why she no longer wants to make love. I know it’s a painful question, but ask if she has lost all interest in sex or if she just doesn’t want to make love with you any more. If it’s a lack of sexual desire, her testosterone levels may have decreased – in which case she should see her GP for further help. If it’s to do with how she feels about you, ask her to explain her reasons. That way it might be possible to sort them out together and reignite your sex life. It isn’t fair in a loving marriage for one person to decide to end the sexual relationship. Though it is understandable to look for sex elsewhere, you are deceiving your wife and if your affair is discovered, it might mean the end of the marriage. It is your decision whether or not to stop seeing her friend. But how would you feel if you found out that your wife was having an affair, especially if it was with a friend of yours, as that is a double deception?

I DON’T KNOW IF I’LL EVER GET OVER HIM

‘I live in fear of her finding out and the hurt it would cause’