I’m still grieving for the baby I lost 20 years ago

QI am happily married with two lovely children, aged 16 and 18, and a good career but I am miserable. For the past few months I have felt consumed with guilt about an abortion I had over 20 years ago. At the time, my boyfriend (who is now my husband) and I were students and it was a decision we came to after much soul-searching. We were in love but had no money and were quite focused on wanting careers. My husband tried not to pressure me, but I felt that he did not want the baby at that time. I think if he had, I might have kept it. I know this is making me short-tempered with him, but why, after all these years, am I suddenly grieving for the baby I lost?

AI think you didn’t grieve properly for the baby at the time, so the sorrow is surfacing now. After an abortion, sometimes there is a feeling of immense relief, so you bury the sadness that also often comes with that. Then, years later, feelings of anger, depression, loss and guilt can come flooding back. Perhaps something has triggered it. Though you have a happy marriage, maybe when you’re annoyed with your husband over something else, it spills into you becoming angry with him as you feel he was partly responsible for you terminating the pregnancy? Maybe because your

QMy relationship with my father was never great but got worse when my parents divorced 15 years ago, when I was 23. He was a difficult man and emotionally distant. I think my mother finally had enough of his temper and met someone else. When I refused to take his side, he got angry. He remarried ten years ago and since then has largely ignored me – I am his only son. His wife is jealous of me and I think she discourages him from contacting me. Recently, after hearing that she has incurable cancer, I wrote to say how sorry I was about their news and asked if they needed any help or support. I got a rude letter back from my stepmother saying that they didn’t want anything from me. Should I try to talk to my father face to face?

AI am sorry your stepmother has been so unkind – this must be very upsetting. You sound like a caring son who has tried hard to get on with your father and his wife but you have been rejected at every turn. I hope you realise that this is not your fault – unfortunately, your father doesn’t sound capable of showing love (perhaps he had unloving parents himself) and it is not surprising that your mother left. I wonder if your stepmother was unable to have children and maybe that’s why she resents you. You could try to meet up with your father but it’s possible that this will also be met with rejection. However, in the future, perhaps your father may be glad of your support and this could be a chance to finally mend your relationship – I hope so but, if not, you have already tried so hard and you may have to resolve to stop trying. He is very lucky to have you as a son – I just wish he realised it.

children are nearing the age you were when you had an abortion, you are thinking about their futures, their lives and the huge decision you had to make at their age, while wondering what would have happened if you had kept the baby. Maybe you know or have met someone who is having a baby at a young age and this has triggered these feelings? I think you should talk to your husband about this, as I expect you probably haven’t spoken about the abortion together for many years. Often after a loss, such as an abortion (or miscarriage, stillbirth or the death of a child), a couple finds it too painful to discuss and so they grieve in their separate ways and never mention it, which makes it harder to come to terms with. You need to tell him how you have been feeling, why you have been short-tempered with him and ask him if he ever thinks about the baby you might have had. Talking through it together may help you. You could also have post-abortion counselling – it is never too late to deal with these feelings so that you can grieve properly and come to terms with your loss. Contact the British Pregnancy Advisory Service (bpas.org, 03457 304030) for more information. Please try not to feel guilty. You were very young and bringing up a baby would have been difficult.

WHY WON’T MY FATHER CONTACT ME?

After an abortion, there is often relief and the sadness is buried