He has been using me for sex... for ten years

QI have been having an affair for ten years. When my husband and I got married, neither of us had been in a previous relationship. I am not sure why we have stayed together – he has never told me that he loves me and throughout our marriage he has always put his work first. And I’m not sure if I love him. Then along came another man who was dynamic and fun. I didn’t think I was attractive enough for him but we started an affair. He then announced that he was in love with someone else who loved him too but she refused to have an affair or leave her marriage for him. I must have had so little self-esteem that I was happy to put up with this and we carried on seeing each other. This other man never told me he loved me either or suggested leaving our marriages to be together – though I would have said yes like a shot. However, now he has suddenly told me that the other woman has finally decided to be with him and is leaving her marriage. He told me how wonderful she is and that I had saved his relationship with her because he could have sex with me when he couldn’t with her. Now he has started ignoring me. I am afraid I will get very hurt but another part of me thinks it might be for the best.

QAlthough I am married to a lovely and kind woman, I have finally admitted to myself that I’m gay – now I don’t know what to do. My wife and I met in our late teens and got married when we were 22. We have now been married for 16 years and have two children, aged 14 and 12, who we adore. I was brought up in a strict home and my parents were very anti-gay, so I guess I repressed it all. But over the past five years I have had two flings with other men and, though I feel very guilty, I have felt so much more fulfilled by sex with men than I ever have with my wife. I am afraid that if I tell her, she will be furious and my children will be really upset, but I don’t think I can carry on being married.

AYes, I think it would be very difficult, if not impossible, to live the rest of your life hiding your sexuality. So you really do need to talk to your wife. Tell her that you love her dearly but don’t think you can continue being married. Explain that when you married her, you had suppressed your sexuality so much that you hadn’t even acknowledged it to yourself. Your wife may well be furious and devastated. It is a very painful situation for you both. However, hopefully in time she will understand and be able to accept this and after you have separated, you will still bring up the children together. When you tell them, explain how much you love them and be prepared to answer all their questions. PFLAG UK (pflag.co.uk) provides support and advice for the families and friends of people who are gay, as does Switchboard, the LGBT+ helpline (0300 330 0630).

AI am so sorry – this man has treated you absolutely appallingly and I am surprised that you are not outraged. Sadly, although you loved him, I’m afraid that these feelings were not returned, though he obviously found you attractive and fun. To put it bluntly, he has been using you for ten years. To tell you that you have saved his relationship with this woman because you had sex with him when she wouldn’t is insulting. You need to cut him out of your life, but please find the courage to tell him how very angry you are first. I wonder if you are tempted to tell the woman who’s leaving her marriage for him that he has been having an affair with you all these years – you might save her from making a huge mistake. (Though be aware that if you do, she may tell your husband about your own affair.) As for your marriage, it doesn’t sound as though there is much love on either side – which is probably why you fell into an affair in the first place. Your self-esteem must be rock bottom, which is sad, so please seek counselling with Relate (relate.org.uk) to rebuild your shattered confidence and decide if you want to stay in your marriage – and to help you come to terms with the end of your affair and how badly you have been treated. I really hope that in future you will be able to value yourself more and find a loving, supportive relationship.

HOW CAN I TELL MY WIFE THAT I’M GAY?

‘He never told me he loved me. And now he’s ignoring me’