Our daughter is cutting us out of her new family

QI had hoped to spend more time with my grandchildren (now aged eight and ten) when I retired a few years ago, but sadly this hasn’t happened. My daughter married into a wealthy family (her in-laws have a huge house and a lovely holiday home by the coast) and she and my son-in-law enjoy a very comfortable lifestyle but don’t seem to have much time for us. At their wedding we were ignored by his family and I overheard my daughter’s mother-in-law saying that we lived in a tiny rented house. Our grandchildren spend a lot of time with their other grandparents, including holidays, bonfire nights and meals out together, yet we’re never asked to join in. Every Christmas Day is spent at the in-laws’ house and we see them on Boxing Day. I’ve asked my daughter many times if the children would like to stay with us but each time I’m told, ‘No.’ I’ve also offered to help her with any housework but all my suggestions are rejected. I look at my friends who have grandchildren and it grieves me when I compare how much they are involved in their lives. I don’t know why we are being treated like this. Sometimes I wonder if I should stop making an effort with my daughter. At least then I could stop wondering why we are cut out so much.

AThis is very upsetting for you and you must feel so hurt. Unfortunately, it sounds as though your daughter has become rather selfish. Although it might seem that it would be easier if you stopped trying to help her with the children or the chores, in your heart of hearts, I think you still would not be able to let this go. Also, her response to your offers makes me wonder whether she thinks that you helping out would be too much of a burden for you? Have you told your daughter that this is making you really unhappy? If you spoke or wrote, gently telling her – without bitterness, blame or judgment – how sad you and your husband are that you hardly see her or the grandchildren and that you feel very unimportant in her new life, it might have an impact. Tell her how much you love her but that you feel she is embarrassed or ashamed of you and her father simply because of your more modest lifestyle. I hope your daughter will see that she is being rather shallow and start to include you more but also make sure that you and your husband keep yourselves busy and do fun things together. I think it would also be useful to confide in one or two of your closest friends – it always helps to talk about your problems and have some support.

‘She

with her rich in-laws but no time for us’