My partner controls and undermines everything I do

QAfter several years together, I moved in with my partner a year ago but I am now stuck in a nightmare. When I met him, I was separated from my four-year-old daughter and struggling financially to stay afloat. I work but don’t earn a lot, with the little I have being spent on childcare, petrol and other small bills. He earns more than £200,000 a year and is very successful. We argued when drunk one night and he told me to take my child (she is now ten) and get out of his house. He said sorry the next day, but I am terrified that I will end up homeless. He stopped me from working at weekends because he said he wants me to be available for him. He talks about my ‘old life’ and how I’m now lucky to be with ‘a winner’ like him. He expects me to keep myself looking fabulous and the house immaculate. He is constantly tidying and expects everything to be perfect. He also has a high sex drive and wants to make love all the time. I have argued with him so many times about sex and he just sulks or wears me down. I am exhausted, depressed and mentally drained. I take antidepressants, which he calls ‘crazy tablets’ so I feel more ashamed about my mental health than ever. I came from an abusive home with violence and substance abuse, and my mother is an addict.

QI am 70 and have been with my partner for 12 years. I have two lovely daughters in their 30s. I am awaiting tests for my heart problems and becoming worried about what will happen after I die. I’ve left my house to my children, with the provision that they let my partner (who is 65) live in it until she dies, though they would never kick her out. However, my solicitor recently pointed out that she could outlive me by 30 years, meaning my daughters wouldn’t get any money until their 70s, which concerns me. But nor would I like my partner to be homeless. I want to be fair but also don’t want any disputes after my death. Am I being mean by wanting my will to protect my daughters and their families?

ANo, you are not being mean. I am sorry that this is all such a worry for you and, as you explain in your longer letter, there are a lot of other financial and legal complications, too. Openness is the best way forward here, so you need to talk. In your longer letter, you say that the contents of your will and your pension provision are currently not known to your daughters and partner, but the latter keeps asking what will happen to her if you die. It is not clear if she is being a little pushy or if she is mostly frightened of financial insecurity. Talk to your daughters first and ask them what they think, then talk to your partner (with your daughters), so you can all come up with a plan that helps everyone. Maybe you could buy a smaller house and give some of your money to your daughters now. Contact Age UK (ageuk.org.uk, 0800 169 6565) – its website has fact sheets on wills and finances.

AYour situation sounds similar to the film Sleeping With The Enemy, in which a young wife (Julia Roberts) lives with a very successful, deeply controlling husband – and his explosive, violent and dangerous rage when even a single towel is out of place. Your partner may not be physically abusive, but all the signs of an emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship are there: stopping you working at weekends, controlling all the money (when he could afford to be generous), expecting you and the house to be perfect (and I expect he gets very angry if it or you are not) and trivialising your anxiety and depression. This is known as coercive control and is now illegal. He is controlling every aspect of your life and undermining you. Sadly, he doesn’t really want you, just a trophy: someone to look good when he hands over those fat cheques to charities (which you mention in your longer letter). You need to leave but you need help to do so because he has eroded your confidence (already damaged by your distressing childhood). Contact single parents’ charity Gingerbread (0808 802 0925) or Women’s Aid (0808 200 0247) for emotional and financial advice on how to get out. Also contact the National Association for People Abused in Childhood (0808 801 0331) because your traumatic early years are still having an impact on you.

WHO GETS THE HOUSE AFTER I DIE?

‘He expects me to keep myself and the house looking fabulous’