Why does my bitter mother blame me for everything?

Seven years ago a widower moved in next door to my mother. They became friends, then an item, but I was suspicious as I didn’t feel his intentions were honourable. Soon everything in my mother’s life revolved around him and she became the subject of local gossip. From what I could glean, he hadn’t been faithful to his late wife and had a drinking problem. He even started accusing married male neighbours of wanting to be with my mother. Then, four years ago, he was diagnosed with dementia. My mother became deeply involved with his care as his own daughter wanted nothing to do with him and his son lived miles away. I suggested to my mother that she should distance herself as he had other family and I thought he was taking advantage. She started bombarding me with comments about how I didn’t care about her and told anyone who would listen that I wasn’t interested in helping him because of his illness. He died last year and she did eventually admit that he had taken advantage of her, but I had to endure these false comments for so long. She is now elderly and more difficult – I have to look after her as my brother never pulls his weight. If someone upsets her she always takes it out on me despite everything I do – then denies that she has made unpleasant comments.

QThis is upsetting for you. Unfortunately it sounds as though your mother has always been difficult and perhaps this is exacerbated by old age. I am sure that you were right not to trust this man – it is telling that his own daughter wanted nothing to do with him – and your mother has at least admitted this. It must have been difficult to have to endure her comments that you were uncaring, when the opposite is true. Try not to worry about that now: it may be hurtful but it doesn’t matter what she or others think of you. You know that you are a kind, caring person and that you were only trying to protect your mum, which is what counts. It is clear from your longer letter that you do a great deal to look after her, largely unappreciated, and she is often unkind to you. She sounds bitter and perhaps disappointed with life, which is sad, but this is also not your fault. You do plenty for her but you can’t be responsible for her happiness. Stand up to your mother and explain that it is difficult to talk to her if she treats you with no respect or kindness. Visit carersuk.org and download its booklet Looking After Someone which contains practical information about caring for another person in old age.

AMy brother never pulls his weight and she denies being unpleasant