My partner died six weeks ago… is it too early to date again?

I lost my long-term partner of nearly ten years to secondary cancer just over a month ago. We knew what was going to happen which was a double-edged sword. We got to sort out many of the arrangements as well as talk about my future. My partner wanted me to grieve for her but to be happy again too. Last week, one of my colleagues reached out to me to see if I was OK. In the few months we have known each other we have always got on well and this woman shares a lot of the brilliant aspects that my partner had too – intelligence, positivity and kindness. I was wondering whether to ask her – when this dreadful coronavirus eases in some way – if she wanted to go out for a drink or a meal? I am so lonely and I feel that if I don’t act now I may never meet someone else – I’m in my late 50s. Do you think it is too soon?

QI am so sorry that you have lost the woman you loved. It must be extremely painful. Some people might consider it a little too soon to start to think about meeting someone new. However, your grief and loneliness are still very raw and it is understandable that you want someone to love and talk to, as well as help you deal with the pain. After all, you were in a

Aloving, long-term relationship and you must really miss that closeness. I think, though, for your own sake, you may not be ready to start dating again. Your emotions will be in turmoil and you may be looking to mask the pain as a way of coping with your grief. You also don’t know if this woman you like is just being kind or may have a romantic interest. So instead of asking her out, why don’t you text her and thank her for thinking of you and being so supportive, and tell her that, yes, you are more or less OK but that of course you are very sad and lonely. Ask her how she has been coping with lockdown and tell her that it would be nice to talk to her. Hopefully, she might suggest calling, and if you talk a few times it may seem more natural that you get together for a coffee or a drink – she might even suggest it herself. Aim for friendship. And bear in mind that if this does develop into a romantic relationship in the future, your partner’s family and friends might find it very difficult (though hopefully they will be happy for you). So wait a while before you tell them. You say in your longer letter that Macmillan Cancer Support (macmillan.org.uk) has been wonderful, so continue to use this and also visit Marie Curie (mariecurie.org.uk) for help with your grief.

She wanted me to grieve for her but to be happy again too