Is my grandchild being controlled?

My daughter has lived in America for many years after falling in love and marrying while working there. She and her husband have a daughter who is now in her late 20s. My granddaughter was always quiet, a bit of a bookworm, and seemed happy just being at home with her parents and working. Over the years she had a few boyfriends but nothing serious and was a friendly girl who was really close to her mum. However, recently she met a new partner who is confident, successful and likes to party. My granddaughter seems to have completely changed and not all for the better. Although her boyfriend has given my granddaughter more confidence, helped her speak up for herself and get promoted at work, she has become very money-oriented which she never was before. She has also fallen out with her parents and seems to be losing touch with them. My daughter criticised her boyfriend after he briefly went off with someone else early in the relationship and perhaps this is where things went wrong. My granddaughter worships her new partner but I’m not sure it’s reciprocated. They are now engaged. I wonder if she is being controlled. I am concerned about this but feel powerless to help. I emailed her saying how upset her parents are, but she replied politely saying that she wanted to keep the rest of the family out of it. It is upsetting that she appears to have lost all compassion.

QFor most of our 21-year marriage my husband and I have had different views on sex. He has said that it is just a physical act and feels he doesn’t need to provide any emotional or romantic feelings. He never understands if I am tired or not in the mood and thinks that I should provide sex on demand. If I refuse him, he takes it as rejection and will argue about it. Sometimes he makes me feel so guilty that I will later initiate it but then he acts like he is doing me a favour. He is successful and we have an enviable lifestyle, but he often seems unaware that he is hurting other people’s feelings. We have talked about separating but we have three children we adore and he says that we need to stay together for their sake. I am so miserable.

QI am amazed that your marriage has lasted so long. Your husband quite frankly sounds very uncaring and callous. It must have been hurtful to have to put up with having sex without any romance or love involved. While some people can separate sex from their feelings, the best sex is always when there is a deep emotional connection and love between the couple. Otherwise it can feel perfunctory. I suspect that this lack of warmth extends much deeper into the relationship and that he is possibly quite cold and unloving towards you generally. But because you have been so worn down by him, you have lost sight of what is normal within a relationship. By telling you that your children would suffer if you left, he is effectively using emotional blackmail to try to keep you in a marriage that may offer him what he wants but certainly doesn’t fulfil any of your needs. Divorce is never easy but I think in the long run you could be happier if you left him.

aIt is very worrying when a child or grandchild has a relationship with someone who you don’t like or think could be damaging for them. However, you have to tread carefully. If they are caught up in infatuation they can respond badly to criticism and may react as your granddaughter has done – with fury. What you need is a softly-softly approach: you, your daughter and son-in-law will probably get further with her by being supportive, loving and letting her quietly realise on her own that perhaps this is not the right relationship for her. Keep the lines of communication open. Could you persuade your daughter that she needs to apologise to your granddaughter for upsetting her and tell her that they would really like to start again and get to know this man? From your point of view, show interest, ask about her partner, get her to tell you what she likes about him (after all, she must see something in him that you don’t), be supportive and ask if she is happy. It’s important to let her know that you are always there for her and willing to talk.

If you encourage that, then if things are not right hopefully she will feel that she can confide in you. Of course, I can only provide a snapshot here of how to deal with this, so please also visit the Women’s Aid website (womensaid.org.uk) for advice on how to talk to young people who you fear might be in controlling relationships.

alife with my insensitive husband is unbearable

She has fallen out with her parents and I feel powerless to help

If you have a problem, email Zelda at z.west-meads@you.co.uk. Zelda reads all your letters but regrets she cannot answer each one personally