I love him but he despises me

I am a new mother of a four-month-old baby and I’m really struggling with my relationship with my long-term boyfriend. I feel miserable all the time and find it hard to see the joy in life. I don’t have postnatal depression as I feel bonded with my baby and I am a good mother. Before I became pregnant, my partner cheated on me several times with a stripper, spending thousands from the house deposit fund. When I found out, I was in the early stages of pregnancy and felt my world was falling apart so I forgave him. However, since then, I feel ugly, frumpy and not good enough, as I will never look like a stripper or be able to provide that experience for my partner. There is no romance – on my first Mother’s Day I didn’t receive a card or gift. On my birthday he got drunk with his friends and I had to pick him up. We’ve only had sex once in the past year. He constantly criticises me in front of others and relentlessly at home about my ability as a mother. He has also criticised my own mother. I am desperate to keep my family together. I try to be positive but am always walking on eggshells, and not being able to talk about my feelings is so hard. I have wondered about going to my GP for antidepressants as I need to be able to get through the day. I do love him – I always have – but I just don’t know what I can do any more as he seems to despise me. I can’t cope with the thought of splitting up and traumatising our child.

QOften, marriage or relationship difficulties are caused by communication problems which can usually be solved, but sometimes people simply have horrible partners. Sadly, the latter is true in your case. You say that he despises you. He clearly doesn’t love you – or anyone else but himself. It will only make you more miserable to stay in a relationship where you are not loved and appreciated. Antidepressants can be brilliant but they are not the answer here – they would only mask the unhappiness and nothing would change in the long term. I assure you, children often suffer far more from conflict in an unhappy relationship and having a thoroughly miserable parent than they do from parents splitting up – especially as your baby is not old enough to know the difference if you were to leave now. Your boyfriend has treated you atrociously and undermined your confidence. Cheating on you with a stripper is not about you not being pretty or sexy enough – it’s just immaturity on his part and the thrill of illicit sex. Unless you are a celebrity with an army of helpers, it is difficult to feel glamorous with a new baby because of the lack of sleep and no time for self-care, but that will get easier as your baby gets older. Your boyfriend is the one who is not good enough for you, not vice versa. It won’t be easy, but contact Citizens Advice (citizensadvice.org.uk) to make a plan for how to move out, find a home of your own and leave this destructive relationship.

aI feel miserable all the time and find it hard to see the joy in life