No one knows how lonely I am

I’m 55, married with a grown-up son who lives some distance away – and I’m desperately lonely. My parents live abroad and I have a brother but he and his wife don’t seem to like me. My husband has no family. He’s an avid sailor and has a good social life through his club. (I don’t join him as it’s his thing.) I could never admit to him how I’m feeling as I feel like such a loser. I do have friends but inevitably it’s me making the effort to meet – it all seems one-sided. Previously I have organised girls’ nights at my home, but then people either don’t show or cancel with a lame excuse, so I’ve stopped bothering as I feel let down. My friends obviously don’t like me as much as I like them – although I’m told I’m thoughtful, kind and generous. I just don’t know where I’m going wrong. I find myself feeling envious of people who have loyal, tight-knit friendship circles. I know you will suggest I join clubs and groups, but I have tried that with negative experiences. I went to an exercise class but the instructor took me to one side and said she couldn’t bring the class down to my level. It crushed my confidence. I joined a choir which I thought would be fun, but it was quite intense. Some of the women were bossy and told me off if I sang the wrong note. I work in a café in the next village which I love, and have great relationships with the customers. I suppose to the outside world I appear bubbly and outgoing, but inside I feel sad and lonely.

QWhat I sense most from your letter is a lack of self-esteem. For instance, you say you couldn’t tell your husband because you feel like a ‘loser’. You also say that your brother and his wife ‘don’t seem to like’ you whereas most people might say ‘my brother and I don’t really like each other’. This shows that you perhaps don’t like yourself and in some ways don’t expect to be liked. This has not been helped by the appalling insensitivity of the exercise instructor and the bossy women in the choir. So I think that working on your self-esteem might be the best place to start, perhaps through counselling with Relate (relate.org.uk) or The Counselling Directory (counselling-directory.org.uk) to give you more confidence. It isn’t easy to keep going as you have had so many knockbacks, but I’m sure that you are not doing anything wrong – you may have just met the wrong people. So join things where you know that other people are also looking to make friends. You could try the website Together Friends (togetherfriends.com) or the apps Friender, Hey! Vina or Bumble BFF. Or try volunteering. However, do also talk to your husband. After all, a husband or partner should be the person who cares for you the most, who loves and supports you and who you can confide in. It may be that your relationship isn’t as close as you would like (you might feel neglected if he is often sailing), so perhaps some of your loneliness comes from that.

aTo the outside world I seem outgoing, but inside I feel sad