The Scottish Mail on Sunday - You
MAKE SHYNESS YOUR SUPERPOWER
Annie Ridout.
Not a natural extrovert? No problem! Some of the world’s most successful people are shy, says entrepreneur and coach Here’s how to follow their lead and use it to your advantage
As a young child, I was shy. I’d hide in the folds of my mum’s flowing skirts rather than join in with the party games. When well-meaning adults leant down to talk to me, I recoiled. I wanted to be left in a safe, quiet space and only emerge when I felt ready.
As we mature it can be harder to identify shyness, maybe because we expect people to grow out of it. This means it can become buried and feel like a source of shame.
In my teens and 20s, social and educational situations filled me with dread. I was incredibly self-conscious. If I had a presentation to give, I’d sometimes take the day off to avoid it, and when I started looking for a job, I developed panic attacks.
At this stage, I decided to do something about my social anxiety. I started seeing a therapist for cognitive behavioural therapy and with her help, I was able to manage my – now daily – panic attacks. I started to understand that I had control over my thought process, which in turn could help me in certain situations.
Back then, it felt like survival, getting through each day. I didn’t realise I was learning skills that I could use for the rest of my life. I felt there was this confidence somewhere inside me but I didn’t know how to access it. Shyness can make you feel trapped but thankfully, while it will always lurk within me and in some ways impact my decision-making, I’m no longer paralysed by it. Now that I feel fairly confident, I’m able to reflect on my shyness and see it not as a mental-health issue or fault but as something that has bestowed me with certain attributes. Shyness doesn’t need to hold you back – in fact, it may just be the making of you.
Like with all of life’s challenges, it means you are forced to find ways to compensate. Just ask Beyoncé, Nicole Kidman, Rosa Parks, Greta Thunberg, Elton John and Richard Branson. All admit to being shy. All haven’t just survived – but thrived.
SHYNESS CAN ACTUALLY BOOST YOUR CAREER
A 2016 study found some common advantages to being shy or introverted in the workplace. Shy people are better at monitoring themselves and others, observing, listening, more comfortable with silence, better at taking a perspective and refraining from action.
Introverts also have a slower, more careful approach to language which tends to increase the level of trustworthiness perceived by listeners, a 2012 study found. And in business, trust matters. Hugely.
So while we’d mostly imagine extroverts to make better bosses, that’s not always the case. Virgin boss Richard Branson says even now he feels shy from time to time, but notes how it makes him a better listener. ‘As a leader, you should always be listening,’ he says. ‘Be visible, note down what you hear and you‘ll be surprised how much you learn. Successes happen from working with and learning from some of the world’s most inspiring and inspired people.’
It can be easy for employers and co-workers to misjudge a shy person as someone who has less ambition, drive and less to contribute. But it’s worth breaking through the quiet façade to show what’s going on inside.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO SHOUT TO BE HEARD
When I was four or five, my parents bought me a bike with stabilisers for my birthday. After a few days, I asked my dad to remove them and I rode straight up the garden on my own. I remember how I had a strong need to ride a bike properly.
It is a mistake to associate shyness with a lack of determination. Or to think that shy people lack confidence in their own ideas and abilities. Executive coach Louise Mckee (former HR director for Tesco and Barclays) says that while introverts tend to have very clear thoughts and views, because they’ve had time to consider them, they then need to employ slightly more extrovert behaviours to get their ideas across.
There is no greater example of being able to get what you want – without being a naturally outgoing person – than that of civil rights campaigner Rosa Parks in 1955 refusing to give up her seat on the bus for a white person. This act of bravery led to nationwide efforts to end racial segregation of public facilities. And yet Rosa Parks was known to be ‘shy and quiet-spoken’. It’s sometimes our actions and determination that matter more than the volume of our voice.
BREAK OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE
The secret of shy people’s success is often that they have been forced to face their fears. It may even add a winning edge. We tend to use past experiences to teach us how to move forward in life, so when we force ourselves to face a fear – for instance, speaking out in that meeting or social situation – this helps mould our personality. We become braver in character.
‘I struggle with [getting] through my shyness,’ Nicole Kidman once said, ‘because if I’m willing to speak up and not be obedient all the time, then I’m free and I do much better work. But if I haven’t worked for a long time, my shyness comes back.’
Actor Jim Carrey has also experienced shyness. ‘As a kid, I was really shy. Painfully shy. The turning point was freshman year, when I was the biggest geek alive. No one even talked to me.’
It’s possible their shyness is the reason they started acting in the first place. Once a shy child has started acting classes, and realised
Annie Ridout will be published by Fourth Estate on 15 April, price £12.99*
First things first. Think about how you are going to make your rooms work for you. Getting the basics right isn’t always as simple as it appears. We want our homes to tick every box – be welcoming while still our personal haven, functional yet stylish, individual but with a nod to current trends and ideas.
The surefire route to creating a home that is as beautiful as it is resourceful is to start by looking at the bones of the space. Every home, whether it be a studio flat or a seven-bedroom country pile, will have at least one lovely feature. The aim is to bring out the beauty and make the most of what you’ve already got.
You might be lucky enough to have original floorboards or mouldings that you can strip and repaint. You might have a large feature window or french doors, a wide expanse of wall perfect for curating art prints or lofty ceilings that make the room feel bigger. Maybe there’s an original fireplace hidden behind that shabby chimney breast? Start by making these bonus items the focus of the room. Make them shine – don’t hide them away.
Then work your room plan around these features. What you add to this space will be the icing on the cake. There are several things to think about when you’re deciding how to furnish and decorate your room. Sourcing items for your home shouldn’t be an ‘add to cart’ process. Take the time to research and find furniture and accessories that you truly love, pieces that you’ll use time and time again. It is well worth the effort.
The first place to look when decorating your space is, in fact, close to home – memories, family pieces, moments that can be incorporated into the décor and cherished for years. Charity shops and antique stores are also perfect places to find unique items that will add texture and character to your space. Here are a few ideas from my own home to get you started.
This is an edited extract from Resourceful Living: Revamp Your Home With Key Pieces, Vintage Finds and Creative Repurposing by Lisa Dawson*