I don’t recognise my husband any more

I have always felt fortunate to have a happy family life, but over the past year my husband has changed into someone I hardly recognise. Having retired a couple of years ago from a successful career, he has always been easy-going and confident, with a can-do attitude. He was happy being a good father to our adult sons, and kept himself busy with consultancy work, charity committees and playing golf. But recently he has become grumpy and distant. He is still working on his various commitments online, but whereas before he used to discuss them with me, he now says they are boring and he can’t be bothered to talk about them. This is his attitude to everything – even me. He never asks about my job or my elderly father (who is a worry and makes increasing demands on my time). He won’t help with the garden or around the house like he used to without a huge amount of persuasion – and then bad-tempered reluctance. He was never chatty, but now he clams up if I start a conversation. The only subject that gets him motivated (negatively) is that he says it is a disastrous world for our youngest son who graduated last year and how he is never going to get a job. My husband says he is not depressed, he just feels completely flat and fed up. I’m exasperated, especially as I have been trying to keep everyone going. Our sons have also been complaining they’ve had enough of his grumpiness.

QYour husband says he is not depressed but I wouldn’t rule it out. Grumpiness on this deep level can be a sign. It wouldn’t be surprising. This is a man who had a very successful life by the sound of it but, like the rest of us, his world order has completely changed – and it has shaken him. I would guess, too, that he might have always been a ‘doer’, not a talker; the type of person who showed his love by being helpful and kind rather than having deep, intimate conversations. I’d be willing to bet when he plays golf with a friend, they talk about the game, business or politics rather than any emotional soul searching. As most action-based activities have been curtailed, he has had little but conversation to fall back on, and the frustration runs deep so he has closed off. It is tempting to say, ‘Look at the people who are really struggling, living on the poverty line or completely isolated – what do

have to be worried about?’ but that’s not how depression works, and it can affect anyone. Having said that, it would help him to look outwards not inwards, so it’s a question of how you approach him. Find a way to say to him that you know he is fed up, and that you understand but it is having an impact on the family. Tell him you’ll support him but you also need his support. Encourage him to see his GP for help with possible depression. You can also find some helpful information and advice about whether this might be the root of the problem at rethink.org.

AHe used to be so easy-going but now he’s grumpy and distant