HOW TO TALK ABOUT PORN...

…WITH YOUR CHILD

Start early. Most parents leave it too late even though most children have seen some sort of porn by the age of 11. Explain some things on the internet are not meant for youngsters – in particular violence. Ask them to tell you if they see anything that shocks or upsets them.

Talk about sex. Your child is likely to get curious about it at around the age of seven and this is your chance to frame it as a loving activity grown-ups do.

Stay calm. If your child has seen porn, don’t get angry when you talk to them or they may feel shame or guilt.

Find out more. Gently ask where they saw it. Be patient: it may take time for them to discuss what they have seen.

Help them make sense of their reaction. Younger children may feel what they saw was ‘yucky’, older ones may have had feelings of arousal. Either way, validate their feelings by saying it’s OK.

Discuss the real cost As they get older, talk about porn as a multibillion-pound business that aims to hook people and get them to pay for extreme material.

‘I AM NO PRUDE. WOMEN ALSO WATCH PORN – BUT NOT THE SORT OF VIOLENT DEGRADATION AIMED AT MEN’

…WITH YOUR PARTNER

Think first. Discovering your partner has been watching porn may make you feel betrayed, lied to or that your sex life is suffering. Sort through your feelings first so you can communicate them better.

Prioritise your relationship. Explain that you are not attacking your partner, but trying to protect your relationship by having an open conversation.

Listen. Find out if he views porn occasionally or is it a habit? Is it when he’s bored or stressed? Establish whether it’s a secret he no longer wants to hide or a privilege he feels entitled to.

Decide boundaries. You have needs, too, and that is to feel secure and ‘enough’ for your partner. Set boundaries. If it’s a habit he wants to break, ask if he needs your support or a counsellor.

Reframe porn. Many men view it as harmless entertainment. However, porn also involves the exploitation of young people who may be underage, have been sex trafficked or filmed without their knowledge or consent. Ask your partner to research how the industry really works to help him become more resilient to it. halted, mothers must talk to their sons. Indeed, research by Middlesex University shows that 44 per cent of boys aged 11 to 16 said porn gave them ideas about the type of sex they wanted to try. It is a conversation Carly is already planning to have with her son Jack, now ten, in the next year or so – and it’s a discussion that is more pertinent than ever.

Recently, lawyers in the UK began judicial proceedings against the government over allegations it failed to stop children in the UK watching online pornography. Even though age verification for legal pornography sites was introduced by the government in 2017, it has never been enforced, meaning under-18s can easily access graphic content online.

‘Eleven is the age boys most commonly come across porn,’ says Carly. ‘In future, I don’t want Jack to think it’s normal to be rough with a girl during sex. Because if he was to look online right now, I know that’s what he’d see within seconds. I want him to know that 88 per cent of downloaded porn contains violence against women. If we can shift boys’ and men’s mindsets from “porn is normal, great, fun, stuff to have banter about with the lads” to “porn is exploitation, full of women portrayed as schoolgirls”, perhaps fewer men would want to be associated with it.’

Carly was able to rescue her relationship with Tom, who says that stepping back and analysing what he was watching has helped break the spell.

‘I couldn’t have done this on my own as it wouldn’t have occurred to me to stop,’ he says. ‘Women offering help, support and alternatives may be just what men need. Even if Carly and I split up, I wouldn’t go back to watching porn,’ he adds. ‘To the men still watching it, I’d say remember that every video you view makes the industry stronger. Log off before it does any more damage to the women in those videos

– or to the women you love.’

Carly’s book A Pocketful of Porn is out now, price £5.99. For online courses on how to talk to children about porn, go to culturereframed.org