I’ve lied to my friend about her ex

OUR RELATIONSHIPS COUNSELLOR ANSWERS YOUR PROBLEMS

A couple we know very well, who’ve been married for 15 years, have recently split up after the husband left for a woman ten years younger. His wife is from Europe and used to take their children to see her family during the school holidays – leaving him alone. I always thought that her husband, who is a close colleague of my husband, had a roving eye, and worried that it might lead to temptation. My friend is devastated and keeps ringing me to ask how she can get him back and whether we have met the new woman. I have tried to support her as much as possible, but now I’ve discovered that there’s more to the situation. My friend’s ex told her that he only started the affair a year ago. But I’ve just been informed by my husband that he had known about the relationship for four years. To begin with, I was furious that he didn’t tell me sooner. Although he said that if he had, I would have told my friend – which, I admit, is true. My husband said he never expected his colleague to leave his wife and believed that it would all blow over. He thinks he’s made a terrible mistake and that the new woman is all glamour and no substance. He is adamant that it won’t last and that the pair got carried away with the novelty of seeing each other again after all the Covid lockdowns. I don’t know what to say to my friend now. Should I continue the lie to spare her feelings?

The divided loyalties among friends when couples split up are so difficult to negotiate. I can understand why you were initially furious with your husband for not telling you. Ideally, couples should not keep big secrets from each other. But I can see it from your husband’s perspective, too. It would have been difficult, if not impossible, for you not to inform your friend. Your husband perhaps thought it would save the wife much heartache if she never knew. However, now that her husband has left, it is a different matter. It is time for honesty because your friend needs to know the full picture so that she can decide whether she really wants her husband back. You should tell her together. It is almost certain that she won’t see your husband’s point of view and will be furious with him for having left her in the dark. Unfortunately, some of her anger will probably rub off on you because I fear she won’t believe that you didn’t know. I do hope that your husband will make this clear. Sadly, this could threaten your friendship. It will certainly change it, because while she may forgive you, she may not want to remain friends with your husband. From what he says, I also think that the affair won’t last and that his friend may later regret leaving his marriage. Whether his wife will still want him when she knows the full situation remains to be seen. I hope that she will still appreciate the support that you are offering – you sound like a kind friend.

She doesn’t know that he started his affair at least four years ago