‘Happy memories keep me going’
Retired head teacher Sandra Fincham recently had a heart-stopping moment. Her beloved husband, Clive, heard her voice and said “Sandra’s come” and she thought for one moment that life might be normal again. Sadly, Clive then walked right past Sandra and ignored her. Clive doesn’t recognise Sandra as his wife, although the couple have been married for 53 years. He calls her Sandra but always asks her if she could get his wife to visit him. Clive, a former maths teacher, has had Alzheimer’s disease since 1997 and Sandra admits it’s extremely stressful when he fails to recognise her. “I think the hardest thing for me was when Clive finally failed to accept the fact that I am his wife. At first I kept saying ‘I’m Sandra, your wife’ but he just wouldn’t have it, so I’ve given up now. He knows I’m someone he knows, but that’s it and I’ve had to accept that. We’ve been happily married all these years, we’ve travelled the world and worked abroad, but now Clive has to live in a care home because I can’t look after him at home.” Sandra wants to encourage other carers of those living with dementia that they need to look after themselves and try to make a new way of life. “It’s a dreadful feeling when someone you love has to go into care, but you have to remember that you did your best and couldn’t do any more. I became ill through caring and Clive’s needs eventually became too great for me,” Sandra says. “It breaks your heart when someone you care for has dementia but it’s the illness that makes them behave like they do. I see Clive as a shell of the person I married all those years ago. The Clive I married has gone, but he’s still my husband. “Living with dementia is like walking on eggshells. You never know what a day will bring or what your lovedone’s mood will be. “I enjoy spending time with my family and grandchildren – they help keep me young. “I do sometimes get emotional and think what life might have been like, especially when I can’t sleep at night, but I promised to love and to cherish Clive all of my life and that is what I’ll do.”
For help and support, call the National Dementia helpline on 0300 222 1122 or contact the Alzheimer’s Society – www.alzheimers.org.uk
‘I promised to love and cherish Clive all my life and I will’