‘We take each day as it comes’
Mary Popham has cared for her husband, John, for more than 25 years and at times finds it stressful, but she always puts his feelings before her own. John has Parkinson’s disease and vascular dementia and Mary finds that people say they feel sorry for her being John’s carer. “People say that my life must be hard, but it’s John who I feel sorry for. It must be frightening to have dementia when there is nothing you can do about it. “I feel more sorry for him than I do for myself. I don’t know how I’d cope with dementia,” she says. Mary (77) started caring for John, who is also 77, at their home in Torquay when he had a nervous breakdown at the age of 50. John never worked again, but Mary continued a job she loved as a school secretary until she retired 17 years ago. Soon after her retirement, John was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease and two years ago, doctors told them he had vascular dementia too. Life is now very different for them. They have recently moved to Cambridgeshire to be nearer to two of their three daughters. The move has meant a massive upheaval for them, but Mary appreciates the support she can now get more easily from her family. She is determined to help John retain as much independence as he can, even if that means standing back while he finds something hard to complete. “John likes to be independent in the bathroom, but I help him get dressed. We keep going as well as we can.” Mary says the hardest thing about caring for John is that he doesn’t want her out of his sight for even a minute. “John wants me within sight all the time, which can be stressful,” she says. “I’ve tried taking him to a carers’
centre, but he took one look and said that they were all old people and refused to go in. I recently went to church for an hour and when I got back he said I’d been gone for three hours. Things like that are stressful.” John wouldn’t agree to having respite care, so Mary tries to get through life as well as she can. “Sometimes I would like a break, but John wouldn’t go into respite and I have to accept that. We take each day as it comes; some days are good, some not so good. I used to be our church secretary and take all the minutes, but I can’t do that now. If I’m feeling really stressed, I play Scrabble on my computer and that helps me relax. I always think that maybe tomorrow will be a better day. I feel bad some days, but I know he must feel worse. I always put him first.”
‘John wants me within sight all the time, which can be stressful’
If you are struggling to cope with someone with dementia join the Carers in Touch scheme, where you will find friendship and support from people who understand your feelings. See p105 for details. The Alzheimer’s Society, www. alzheimers.org has plenty of advice, or call the National Dementia helpline on 0300 222 1122.