‘Saying yes all the time made me ill’

‘I’m not going to be a martyr any more and try to be all things to all people’

Like many women of her age, Tracy Cleaver has many roles in life – wife, mum, daughter, grandmother and carer. Tracy (46) is one of thousands of women classed as ‘the sandwich generation’, caring for grandchildren, children and elderly parents while holding down a career. Tracy admits that trying to juggle so many different parts to her life often left her stressed. After caring made her ill, she has now decided to start looking after herself more while still supporting family members who need her care. She wants to encourage other carers to think of their own needs and to look after themselves, so they have the strength to carry on. “Trying to hold it all together and saying ‘yes’ to everyone left me feeling completely exhausted. I finally accepted professional counselling and now I’m able to step back a bit and accept support.” Tracy’s father Roy (77), suffered a stroke in 2005 and Tracy’s mum, Norma, a former nurse, cared for him when he left hospital. With Tracy’s support, he was at home for ten years until caring took its toll on Norma and Tracy had to be more hands-on. “I was working and trying to support them in their home as well as my son and daughter and her family. I remarried two years ago, so I also wanted to spend time with my husband, Graham. “Mum’s health started to fail and in January this year she was diagnosed with dementia. Dad was ill at the same time and eventually had to go into a nursing home as she couldn’t cope. “Now Mum is at home and, with my support, she manages, but she’s always on my mind in case something goes wrong. “I feel guilty because I want to support them and I also want to be with Graham and my family, especially my granddaughter Amelia who’s three. My daughter is expecting another baby soon and I want to help her then and spend time with the grandchildren. “People don’t realise how stressful it is being a carer as well as having a family and home life. “I now make time for myself – just getting my nails done or going out with a friend makes all the difference. I’m not going to try to be all things to all people and am determined not to feel guilty.”