Carers in touch
Rob Oliver’s wife, Sue, died three days before his 70th birthday. Months later Rob (71) was looking through some of Sue’s papers when a bag fell out. Inside he found a birthday card marked ‘To my husband’ which Sue had bought in readiness for the celebration. The discovery left Rob in floods of tears and he admits he then started looking round the house for other poignant reminders of Sue. Eventually he decided he was only making his heartache worse and promised himself that he would try to move on with his life. The birthday card incident, and a recent morning when Rob got out two cereal bowls instead of one, are his examples of how it’s often the little things which bring on a new wave of grief. Rob and Sue met and married in the Sixties and had two children, Mike and Jane, and later three grandchildren. Sue’s parents were in their 90s when they died and, as Rob says, “We both expected to get old together.” Sue was diagnosed with cancer aged just two and had an eye removed. Cancer returned in February 2014 when she had a kidney removed. The following year, it spread to her lungs, then to her brain in January 2016. She died in May 2016. When Rob and Sue were told that Sue had just months to live, Rob and his son, Mike, spent many hours finishing a book which Sue had written about her own life and she was able to see the finished version before she died. “For the first six weeks after Sue died, I was busy with paperwork and friends. I thought it was all a dream and that she would come back. Then reality struck. “In a strange way, I’m glad it was Sue who went first and not me. Maybe that’s because I’m a man and I always wanted to protect her from pain. I would have hated the thought of her facing bereavement. I hope she would be proud of how I’ve got through more than a year without her. “I still have moments where I let myself have a few tears but those times are getting further apart. Talking to other bereaved people at the Sue Ryder hospice, where Sue died, has helped me. “When you lose someone you love, you have two choices; you sit at home and mope or you try to get on with a different way of life.” The Sue Ryder online community aims to provide advice and support for those dealing with death, dying and bereavement. It connects those who are experiencing bereavement and provides support and advice to help them to better prepare for and deal with loss. Visit https://support.sueryder.org/ community
‘I thought that it was all a dream and that Sue would come back’