Carers in touch
Welcome... to the Sharing the Caring pages where we share uplifting stories about readers’ lives. Christmas can be a difficult time after losing a loved one. Here’s how Heather Gilling copes
Retired journalist Heather Gilling cared for her husband John, who had dementia, for several years before he died in 2012. While John was ill, Heather cooked lunch on Christmas Day for the professional carers who helped her look after him. The first year John died, Heather faced the choice that many bereaved people will be contemplating now – should she accept an invitation to go out for Christmas Day or should she follow her heart and stay at home on her own? To the surprise of the many friends who invited her, Heather decided to spend Christmas alone. Heather, who has no children, says, “The year John died I decided I wanted to spend Christmas on my own. I wasn’t sure how I would be and I didn’t want to be a burden to others. As a child I had experienced family members hoping everyone else would invite the ‘elderly aunt’– I didn’t want to be in that position. “Several kind friends invited me to join them. However, I stuck to my guns and had a pleasant, reflective day, treating myself to a special lunch and working my way through a bottle of bubbly... drinking the last glass in the bath at the end of the day!” Heather admits she had “a nervous moment” during that first Christmas morning alone, because her neighbours were at home and she was terrified they would see her car on the drive and invite her to join them. “Thankfully, and I mean that in the nicest possible way, they didn’t,” she says. Now, Heather is content to spend Christmas Day Right: Heather and Hamish are happy to spend Christmas at home. Inset: Heather and late hubby John alone. “I have the choice of taking myself off somewhere if it’s a nice day – maybe taking my dog for a walk on the coast – or cooking a meal at home at a time that suits me and I can choose what I eat! The second Christmas on my own, I decided to go shopping on Christmas Eve and choose whatever looked good – sirloin steak won!” Heather’s dog, Hamish, always wears a Santa suit in December and this attracts other walkers to exchange ‘Merry Christmas’ greetings. “This year I will probably spend the day watching TV with my choice of programmes. I love the ballet – which John didn’t! I will talk to friends and family on the phone.” Heather says she gets the feeling that some friends envy the way she spends Christmas. And the bonus of being alone at Christmas for her are, “Not spending the day with folks because you ‘have’ to, no family arguments, I can please myself what I do and when, and there’s no pressure to get a meal ready by a certain time! “I know a lot of people speak highly of organisations which provide Christmas meals for those on their own and take them to a ‘group’ situation, often in a church or village hall. I’m sure many people appreciate such a gesture, but for me it would be my worst nightmare. “Give me my own home and choice of food and a glass of bubbly with which I can toast loved ones who have shared wonderful Christmases past, and I can cherish precious memories.”
‘I stuck to my guns and had a pleasant, reflective day’
Many readers – including Heather - have made lasting friendships through the Yours Forget Me Not group. Turn to page 105 for more details.