How to write a heartfelt eulogy

How to write a eulogy that celebrates all that was special about the person you loved

Writing a eulogy can be both a privilege and a great responsibility. One of the most personal parts of the funeral service, it’s the time to remember what we loved about the person who has passed away and let us enjoy their company in our mind’s eye for a moment longer. At their best, eulogies can bring together mourners and even help start the healing process. If you’re giving the eulogy for someone close, or have been asked by the family to do this on their behalf, it can be hard to know where to start. Here’s a step-by-step guide to help.

Be a memory collector

While the responsibility of delivering the eulogy may be on you, the process of writing it should be a shared process. Speak to other family and friends and ask them for their memories, including any funny mannerisms or sayings your loved one had and the words they’d use to sum up that person.

Jot down your own thoughts, too, and see if there are any common themes or key words that emerge in the collective memories. For example, it could be their endless kindness, their resilience in a crisis or even their exceptional baking. Take two or three themes to make up the main section of your eulogy, fleshing out each one with anecdotes about the person.

Have a storybook structure

With the themes as your eulogy’s ‘middle’, like any story, you now just need a beginning and ending.

Start by introducing yourself and give a few details about where your loved one was born, their early life, work and family. Don’t get too bogged down in giving every biographical detail, though, as the individual memories are likely to mean more to your listeners.

To end, sum up your last impression of the person and leave listeners with a thought they can take away. Some people also like to include a poem, song or inspiring quote. Poems and Readings for Funerals and Memorials, compiled by Luisa Moncada, is a good book to help if you’re struggling for inspiration.

Time to practise

Once a rough eulogy is written, read it aloud. Three to five minutes is a standard eulogy length, which translates to around 500-1,000 words – so you may need to do some editing.

As you read aloud, also notice your tone. Ideally, eulogies should be positive and conversational, so if it feels too sad or stilted, perhaps bring in more humorous memories or make your language lighter. Notice where you stumble or run out of breath as you may need to shorten your sentences or change the wording.

Once you’re happy, read it several times more so it feels familiar. Then before the day, print off the eulogy in a large enough font to read at a glance, with double spaces between the lines.

Try to speak calmly and clearly, but mainly be yourself and speak from the heart. It’s only natural that you might have a wobble, but no one will judge you, so just give yourself a moment, take a deep breath or have a sip of water, and when you’re ready, carry on. You’ve just done your loved one a tremendous honour.