Finding a way through loss
Bereavement is devastating, but there are things you can do to help ease the pain, and ways you can feel less alone, says Lizzy Dening
Bereavement can feel like a punch to the stomach, but dealing with loss in the current climate brings even more challenges. Spending time with loved ones, or even attending a funeral, hasn’t been possible for everyone, so it’s an increasingly lonely period for many.
The loss of someone you love is an issue that many of you are currently struggling with, according to our recent Yours Minds survey. We’re all aware that bereavement is a natural part of life, but there have been many people taken too soon or unexpectedly in recent months, leaving friends and family feeling rudderless.
Specific ‘stages of grief’ are often spoken about, but the reality is unlikely to be such a linear journey – you may feel
of respondents to our survey said bereavement had the biggest negative impact on their mental health Yours
a range of emotions, or long periods of nothing at all.
“Grief can make you feel all of the complicated, vulnerable emotions – fear, loneliness, anger, numbness, sadness,” – says psychologist Abigael San. “What you feel somewhat depends on the nature of the relationship you had with the person you’ve lost and how complicated it was, but also everyone’s reaction is different. It’s all normal, as long as you’re allowing yourself to feel your feelings as and when they come.”
Remember on paper
Finding a personal way to memorialise your loved one might be helpful. “It’s sad to say, but memories do fade, so it can be really helpful to have a special notebook to record them in,” says Abigael. “They may be little things such as amusing anecdotes, their favourite foods or things they used to say. You could speak to other friends and family members to build a memory collection.
“Use the book to also write down plans for yourself – how specific events and situations are going to be different for you now, and how you might deal with that.”
Talking about the person you’ve lost with those who also remember them can help keep happy memories alive, as well as helping to validate your emotions – reminding you that you’re not alone in your loss, others are feeling the same.
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What to say to a friend who has lost someone
Sometimes it can be hard to know the right thing to say to someone who’s bereaved, but try not to overthink it. “Don’t worry about saying exactly the right thing. The feeling will come across and it’s more important to say something than to find the perfect words,” says Nicola. She suggests any of the following phrases (right) as a starting point: feeling. “I would advise spending time talking it through with others and not to worry that you are being a burden to them. That’s what friends are for,” says Nicola.
Grief guilt
As unhelpful as it is, there can be a lot of guilt locked up in the grieving process. For example, you might feel (or others may tactlessly have implied) that after a certain length of time, you should have moved on from your initial feelings. “There is a common misconception
‘Try not to isolate yourself... speak to someone you feel comfortable with’
I’m so sad to hear this and I’m here if you need to talk.
He/she will be missed so much – they were so special. You are in my thoughts
I cannot imagine the hole that she/he will have left in your life. If you need anything, let me know.
that some time after the bereavement, the person may be ‘over it’. That is not the case, often it can take some time for people to come to terms with their grief,”
This is so heartbreaking – I wish I could be there to give you a hug. says Nicola. “People can come in and out of their grief, and it’s not something that ever goes away. People simply learn to live with it.”
Alternatively, you might be suffering the loss of a furry friend rather than a human being and may be embarrassed about the depth of your feelings – but you shouldn’t be. “Your pet might have been one of your closest companions, and you probably had a less complicated relationship with them than some of the people in your life – it’s natural to feel a sense of loss,” says Abigael. “Treat their loss in a similar way to the loss of a person – look back at photos and videos of them, and talk about your shared memories with those who knew them.”
■ This Too Shall Pass, by Julia Samuel (£14.99, Penguin) is a comforting read for those going through the grief rollercoaster. Julia is a psychotherapist and draws on her years of experience. Here she also shares the thoughts of numerous patients who have weathered
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