‘Our loss brought us even closer’
Mum and daughter, Anne and Catherine, were widowed within 41 days of each other and just before lockdown. Now they’ve written a book to bring hope to others
Anne Mayer Bird and her daughter have always been as close as mums and children can be. But
after the tragic events of this year, their relationship has become more important and treasured than ever before as they bring each other such comfort to their painfully shared situation.
It was just before Christmas last year that Anne lost John, her partner of 43 years. Finding herself living alone for the first time in her life, she naturally clung to her daughters for support. But just a few weeks later, her daughter Catherine faced her own grief when her husband, the musician and producer Andy Gill, passed away a fortnight after being admitted to hospital with pneumonia (later suspected as being caused by Covid-19).
Just 41 days apart, Anne and Catherine became widows. Then, the unimaginable happened and they were forced to go into lockdown alone.
Now, they’ve told their story in a moving new book, Good Grief: Embracing Life at a Time of Death, in which they capture the unique experience of what they call their twin widowhood.
“We’ve always been extremely close as mother and daughter, but no one can describe just how close this
experience has brought us,” says Anne. Meanwhile as Catherine explains: “The experience of my mother and I living through this grief did mean we could draw enormous comfort from one another, but it did also mean that the grief was doubled as I was also grieving for John and my mother was grieving for Andy.”
As for the pandemic, both say there were surprising upsides, such as not having to accept unsought hugs from strangers or put on a brave face at social occasions, but it did mean they couldn’t enjoy the hobbies or get-togethers with friends that would have helped distract them. Instead, their weekly permitted Sunday afternoons spent together became a lifeline for them both.
Another saving grace was writing; as Catherine began a blog – largely to answer the well-meaning but sometimes overwhelming messages asking how she was – Anne started penning letters to John that have now been included in her and Catherine’s book. “I found myself thinking I have to tell John what’s happening in the world and so started these letters that brought me immense relief to be able to talk to him in that way,” she says.
One of the big themes in the book is about questioning our relationship with grief and how it’s often thought of as something to be expelled or got rid of. Instead, Anne and Catherine talk about finding a way of living with and embracing grief. “We grieve because people and things mattered, because we loved, because we love. We have no desire to banish John and Andy,” Catherine writes in the book. Interestingly the way they think of grief is very similar to the way they talk about the pandemic. “This year has shown the resilience we all have and that people do adapt. It’s not that we stop being sad about the situation or want other things but you understand what you have to do to get through it and develop coping strategies,” says Catherine. “And it’s the same with losing someone we love.”
As for coping strategies, Anne adds that taking stock of her life has also helped her enormously. “For
‘One of the book’s big themes is questioning our relationship with grief’
every desolate day I’ve thought how fortunate I am to have a fantastic family and be able to carry on my work, and that we lost John and Andy before the pandemic took hold so were allowed to say our goodbyes at their bedside.”
Anne and Catherine now hope their book provides some hope, inspiration and practical tools for others facing grief as well as celebrating the lives of their dear husbands.
“There is a danger that in talking about the high numbers of deaths in the pandemic that we end up treating people like numbers,” says Catherine. “But everyone is an individual that mattered and was the heart of a family. We’re so pleased to be able to tell everyone who John and Andy were in this book and it’s something we wish we could do for everyone who has passed away.”
■ Good Grief is out now, rrp £16.99
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