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What to say to someone who’s grieving? Even in these hard times there are practical ways you can help
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ith a hit as W huge as American Pie under his belt, you might think Don McLean would be content to strum his guitar just for fun these days. Not so.
At 75, the legendary singer songwriter is still waking up every morning at his home in Palm Springs with a new song idea in his head. And the first thing he usually does is record it on the mobile phone he keeps next to his bed. After deciding to embrace new technology, he’s using it to maximum effect, sending material back and forth to producers.
“I’ve got a new album written that will come out later in the year and I’m very happy about how it’s coming on.”
Thanks to new ways of promoting and accessing music via platforms
Fifty years after classic tune American Pie was released the legendary Don McLean chats about his songwriting inspirations, new album and learning new skills
such as Spotify, American Pie – originally a hit in 1971 – has just been awarded triple platinum status after gaining a whole new band of listeners. More of Don’s timeless hits are expected to follow suit.
It was Don’s son who originally made him aware of the possibilities new technology could bring ten years ago. “Rather than sit back and be the old Don McLean, I decided to be the new Don McLean and get
‘New songs come to me just before I wake up. It has got to come from your heart and soul’
involved with all this stuff and embrace it,” he adds. As well as using technology in his own career, he’s also using it to help teach others to play and sing music via his YouTube channel. “I am not the kind of guy who would want to put a book out; I would not have the patience. But I want to show people how you to play and sing,” he explains.
What Don would find difficult to pass on though is the secret to his extraordinary talent for songwriting because he doesn’t even understand it himself. “Take the album Botanical Gardens. There’s a song on there called, Ain’t She a Honey. I love that song but it’s like I didn’t write it. It just came,” he explains.
“New songs come to me just before I wake up. It’s weird. It has got to come from your heart; in your soul somewhere. That’s why I don’t write a lot of songs. You can’t write a lot of songs that way.”
Don admits that years have gone by without him being able to ‘put two words together.’ “Then all of a sudden I get into a zone where it’s all happening,” he adds.
Clearly he is in a good songwriting zone at the moment. But it’s not all Don is doing while spending more time at home. He says: “I want to come out of this last year of restrictions a better person than when I went into it. I want to know more things. That’s exactly what I’m doing. My belief is that we need to learn something new every day. I sit around thinking, ‘man, I spent all those years doing concerts when I could have spent a little time learning how to cook or how to speak a language.’ Now I am trying to make up for that a little. One of the things I am learning is how to cook. I made a tuna casserole the other day that was great; really good!” If it was as tasty as his music it must have been delicious.
■ Don McLean was speaking on The Greatest Music of All Time podcast presented by Tom Cridland which is available at
tomcridland.com
Being there for someone who has been bereaved has been hard over the last year. Restrictions have meant not seeing friends in person, being unable to have a comforting chat or to share memories together. While there’s no single way to make someone feel better, we all know connections from others can make all the difference.
When Gary Powell’s partner Tina died from breast cancer a year ago, her funeral took place just before the first national lockdown. Because of the social distancing measures in place at the time many friends could not attend the funeral in person, while those who did couldn’t hug Gary as they wanted to.
In the weeks and months that followed, being isolated from everyone, apart from his son who he lives with, was so hard. But Gary took great comfort in regular messages on social media to his and Tina’s family. “Tina and I used to bake together, so when I bake, I’ll put pictures of it on our family group,” says Gary. “They’ll say things like, ‘you’re doing well.’ And I’ll say, ‘I had a good teacher, didn’t I?’”
Gary also shares a photo of Tina on his Twitter account every Sunday and has taken so much joy from reading the comments underneath from both people he knows and kind-hearted strangers. “It brings back the memories of things Tina and I did together and it’s so nice to see how people thought of Tina, even though some of them never met her,” says Gary.
After raising nearly £400 at Tina’s funeral for the Marie Curie Hospice in Bradford, where Tina was cared for, Gary wants to volunteer there once the pandemic restrictions are eased to give back some of the support that helped him so much in his grief.
What you can do to help
Every experience of grief is unique. Jo Hamer, Bereavement Co-ordinator at the hospice where Tina was cared for, shares her tips for supporting a friend or a family member who is grieving:
Say something rather than nothing fearing you’ll say the wrong thing could stop you saying anything. Knowing you’re there for them is what matters.
Whatever they’re feeling, whether that’s anger, guilt, relief, sadness or something else, make it clear that it’s okay to feel that way and their emotions are valid.
Check in regularly to see how they are doing – a friendly text each week can mean the world
Offer to do something practical like picking up essential shopping or do the washing up. When someone’s grieving, basic tasks can feel like huge hurdles.
Sharing a happy memory on social media can be a lovely way to connect.
Encourage them to listen to their body. Grief can be exhausting so make sure they’re resting when they need to.
If words are hard to find, you could write a letter or send something thoughtful in the post to let them know you care.
Laugh with them! Making jokes and sharing little moments of joy can help remind the bereaved that their feeling of sorrow won’t last forever.