This diet isn’t a competition ... or couples activity
There are no sweeter words in the English language than “I just lost a couple of pounds over the weekend.” Unless they are uttered by your husband and he has achieved that feat by thinking about maybe not eating a fourth cookie on Saturday followed by definitely not eating a fourth cookie on Sunday. Meanwhile, I pull the Williams Sonoma catalog out of the mailbox and pop a button on my waistband.
I realize this is nothing new. Women have been complaining about this phenomenon forever. It began in prehistoric times when early man discovered the Paleo Diet and realized that, not only could he shed a few pounds by simply uttering the word “diet,” but also that he’d be a millionaire if he hadn’t been born tens of thousands of years before trademark laws were invented. Early woman, on the other hand, discovered that hearing the word “diet” made her saber tooth tiger robe too tight, meaning she now had to shop in the woolly mammoth department. It’s believed that the resulting fallout caused the first Ice Age.
This weight loss dichotomy between the sexes has continued to wreak havoc throughout the millennia. The Lost Continent of Atlantis would still be around if the men of Atlantis hadn’t started bragging about the success they were having on the Mediterranean Diet. And, despite the bleak conditions, even the women of the Donner Party reported at the end that their corsets were feeling tight. Which brings us to the present day and the most compelling example of all: Me.
A few weeks ago I decided I would make a concerted effort to stop eating meat after watching some webinars extolling the virtues of a whole food plant-based diet. I’d been leaning in this direction for a while and decided to give it a try after hearing about all the health benefits. And eating this way would be good for the planet, because raising livestock takes a terrible toll on the environment. Besides, I like fruits and vegetables, grains, and legumes. And, last time I checked, wine is plant-based, too, so the plan seemed pretty doable.
And if health benefits, helping the environment, and being kind to animals weren’t enough, the webinar hosts claimed that eating a plant-based diet would naturally lead to weight loss. The presenters were all lean, fit and healthy looking. Of course, they were all male, too. Their wives were probably off-camera sobbing while trying to sew buttons
back onto their waistbands.
I told my husband I was going to cut meat out of my diet, but that I wasn’t going to insist he join me. I said it was because I didn’t want to force my views on him, but really I didn’t want him to join in because I couldn’t afford to gain any more weight. Sure, I want my husband to be healthy, too, but I’d also like to be able to sit in a theater seat without the assistance of the Jaws of Life.
He listened to my plan and seemed mildly interested, at best. The next day he said he needed to take his belt in a couple of notches. I spent the next week with my new best friends, cauliflower and chickpeas, and realizing just how many things contain bacon. My husband spent the week kind of following along and realizing that cookies are plant-based. At the end of the week he declared he is now the same weight he was when he played soccer in high school. At least I think that’s what he said. It’s hard to understand what he’s saying when he talks and eats a fourth cookie at the same time. Unfortunately, I can’t make the same claim, and not because I didn’t play soccer in high school, but because I look like I’ve just swallowed an entire soccer ball.
Experts say that men lose weight more easily than women because they have more lean muscle mass, which allows them to burn calories faster. Fine. Whatever. But I can’t be the first to wonder if this fun biological fact contributes to the divorce rate. Maybe the husband’s wedding vows should be changed to say “for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, and I pledge to never mention how much weight
I’ve lost even if I need a triple strength bungee cord to keep my pants from falling around my ankles until you’ve lost weight, too, or until death do us part, whichever comes first.” It’s a little wordy, but it may just save a few marriages.