Husband testing limits of her trust

Years ago, a new friend of mine, tipsy, said something I didn’t fully understand at the time, about how she was glad I wasn’t one of “those women” who are insecure about her relationship with my husband. Two years ago, my husband had an emotional affair with a colleague. He maintains to this day it was fine because “nothing happened.” I am holding onto my marriage and mind with therapy for myself and a lot of self-care.

My husband, after a few sessions, refused to go back to marriage counseling.

As I was discovering this relationship, I also discovered my friend frequently texts my husband, including selfies (“Look at me! I ran so far today!”) and assorted other just weird texts to send to a married man. None of them are completely inappropriate in the way the texts from the other woman were (which included, “Love you and miss you,” after a business trip).

Fast-forward two years, and I’ve recently discovered evidence my husband continues a more-than-business friendship with his work friend. So I’m newly sensitive. I believe he also lied to me about a text from my friend.

Now, I do realize the problem here is between me and my husband. But I’m increasingly unable to ignore my friend’s texting behavior. I would probably just let the friendship lapse, but my life is very entangled with hers — our daughters are best friends, our husbands get along, and she seems to run everything in town (PTO, Scout troop leader, etc.).

Do I risk my friendship, which I do value, by raising the issue with her? Or do I continue to consider this my own issue? What other ways can I wrap my head around this?

— Sensitive I’ll say it this way, because it’s quick: I don’t like what your friend is doing.

But I also don’t like that she’s the one you want to talk about. The problem—glaring, recurrent, unchecked—here is your husband. The time to get through on therapy and selfcare is when you’re working on something together and you’re not sure yet how it will turn out. The marriage you describe isn’t udergoing any work that I can perceive. Your husband spurned counseling and went back to his flirtatious ways. (Assuming that’s all it is.)

You have other responses to his behavior available to you besides standing sentry and running off any friends he might find attractive. Legal separation is one of them. Finding a way to accept and love your womanizing spouse, as-is, is another. Mentally reframing your marriage as a household-and-family arrangement instead of the romantic-monogamy deal you’d hoped for is another.

By the way — wanting fidelity doesn’t make you one of “those women.” The so-identified “insecurity” problem stems from the mismatch between one spouse’s expectations and the other’s.

So to be fair, and more precise, I’ll rephrase my earlier assessment: The problem here is that you and your husband are mismatched, seeing your marriage differently and expecting different things from it. Being “right” gains you nothing unless the other agrees.

Are you ready, then, to be honest with yourselves about that? With each other? Are you ready to do what it takes to live by your principles? Settle that, and then we’ll discuss this friend — but I’ll bet we won’t need to.

Do consider talking to her, though — with emphasis on asking, listening and receiving information without reacting to it. That could be one of your more productive steps toward understanding the man you wed.