Wherever I turn, husband is there
DEAR CAROLYN: My husband and I have been working from home/home-schooling/limiting outside contact since March. In addition to working, we are juggling three kids and a dog. I’m really tired of being around him. Every day. All day. He’s not doing anything wrong. He’s just here. All the time. With me. How do I get back that feeling of being excited to see him when I see him or hear him or sense him every moment of every day?
— There He Is Again
DEAR THERE he IS AGAIN:
I know it’s not funny, but your letter is really funny.
Find ways to shake things up without rattling foundations. Relax old rules, create bizarre new ones, change menus, make art, upend routines — together or separately. Give each other complete mornings/afternoons/ days off caregiving duty, alternating fairly. Brainstorm new remote-work sites awayyyy from each other. Adopt a cause, dog, cat, highway. He’s a fixture, so redecorate around him.
If your forced-cheer fuel gauge is at 0, then, that’s OK, too. Temporary numbness, with a splash of healthy denial and distraction, can help when excessive awareness is the problem.
Just be transparent that he hasn’t done anything wrong: “I’m sorry I’m not myself lately, I’m just over-everythinged and need time in my shell.”
Also mind your mental health to ensure only temporary numbness, knowing this torturous limbo itself is temporary. Catch up with friends or adopt a yoga/ meditation practice, or other exercise, or try therapy, or [blank]. Deliberately ground yourself to keep from drifting away. You might even conjure something you’re excited to tell him about.
DEAR CAROLYN: Over 20 years ago, when my sister had small kids and was working part time, she told my parents she was available to help them sell their house and move to a more suitable home. My mom and I determined this move was premature. My sister clearly stated that was fine, but her future looked much busier.
Now my parents definitely need to move. My sister is an empty-nester and could help. Instead, my brother-in-law is taking an overseas placement for two years (on hold now). I have asked my sister to delay her move six months or so to get my parents moved and their house cleaned out and sold. Then she can join her husband.
My mother is on board with this. But my sister is a firm no.
She definitely has time. Her work can be done from anywhere, so it can be done at Mom’s. She is sticking with her previous statement. I have small kids and an executive job, and do not have time to take this on. My sister needstostepuphereandiamso frustrated she will not. Typically she will do what we need but not this time. Her husband could easily make do without her.
So this is just about her wanting to be with him overseas, not needing to. Whereas my parents need her. How do I convince my sister to do the right thing?
— Do Not Have Time
DEAR DO NOT have TIME:
You and your mom have another extensive session to plan out your sister’s life for her better than she can, then try forcing it on her again.
Translation: Stop it. Now. Your sister gave her answer, which, no matter how upsetting, was hers to give. Obviously it’s a huge ask for you to “take this on” yourself. But, for your sister to live apart from her husband for six months! while she works full time from the home she’s packing up and selling? is a huge ask, too. So stop being so cavalier about what “right thing” someone else is “available” to “definitely” “easily” do for you.
Instead, please see this: After her “no,” every reason you conjure that she “needs to step up” serves zero purpose except to stoke your anger at her.