OK, Santa, it’s time to return the favor
Santa owes me big time. I have covered for him for years whenever one of my children asked for a gift that existed only in their imagination, like unhatched allosaurus eggs (they didn’t have to be real dinosaur eggs as long as they were animatronic) or the DVD of a movie that wasn’t even in preproduction yet. My sense of imagination wasn’t as highly developed as theirs, so I would explain that Santa wouldn’t be able to bring the desired item since I’d never seen it in a store. That’s when they would remind me that commercial availability is irrelevant because Santa is magic, so he and his elves can make anything.
They had a point. Still, I wanted to avoid potential disappointment in the event of an unforeseen glitch in the
North Pole production line. What if there were a sudden shortage of allosaurus parts, real or otherwise? Or what if George Clooney was busy? (For some reason, in my mind the movies my children dreamed up always starred George Clooney.) In order to take the pressure off Santa and his elves, I would mumble something about his magical powers sometimes not being enough to offset the dark forces of tariffs, supply-side economics, embargoes and the military industrial complex. I would keep rambling vaguely until their desire for the item was outweighed by their concern for Santa’s well-being.
As the years went by, Santa’s magic was called upon less and less and gifts were more likely to be delivered by Amazon and UPS than they were by reindeer and sleigh. But this year, with more people doing their holiday shopping from home due to the COVID-19 pandemic, it looks like many of the gifts I’ve ordered won’t arrive until just before the holiday — Valentine’s Day, that is. So I’m calling in my chits and asking Santa and his elves to come through for me. And while I’m at it,
I’m following my children’s lead and throwing in a few extra gift ideas that don’t exist, but should.
If J.K. Rowling could magically create The Room of Requirement for Harry Potter and his friends, then I don’t think it’s too much to ask for Santa to come up with a Drawer of Desire for me. Better than a junk drawer, it would instantly provide whatever it is I need or want. Harry Potter had to walk back and forth three times while thinking of what he needed before the door to the room would appear. All I’d need to do is yank the drawer open while yelling “where the @#$% did I put it?” and the desired item would be mine, whether it’s my car keys or the waistline from my 20s. As an added bonus, I could put things I don’t know what to do with into the drawer and it would magically change its size and shape to accommodate them. Which means it would never get jammed by the potato masher.
I’d also like Santa to bring a smart remote for our TV. I know they already exist, but they have the kind of intelligence a tech person thinks I want and I’m talking about the kind of smarts I would actually use. Like a remote that can locate things I want to watch but that can be really hard to
find, like a Hallmark Christmas movie with an original storyline. And while I’m asking for a magical remote, I want it to be able to automatically locate every George Clooney movie. Now that I think about it, forget the George Clooney movies on TV — I can find those myself. I want a remote that produces George Clooney in my house at the push of a button. And it doesn’t have to be the real George Clooney, either, as
long as he’s animatronic.
As I read this over, it does seem like my wish list is all about me. Maybe I should ask Santa to share some of his magic with others. Like with those nice folks who call me multiple times a day out of an urgent concern for my financial health and happiness. I would like to return the favor and have Santa magically consolidate these callers’ debts in a way that lowers their monthly utility payments while extending all their warranties that are about to expire. And to further put their minds at ease, I’d like the elves to call them throughout the day to remind them of my largesse, but especially while they’re eating dinner. Actually, I think that would be a gift for me, too.