In heavy times, please put self first
DEAR CAROLYN:
My husband and I have agreed we are in a "business relationship" — there is no emotional or physical intimacy. I don’t love him but we get along well enough.
I am very fearful of financial instability if I leave. Our jobs are "equal," so there won’t be any child support or spousal support. We have twin 8-yearolds.
I’m 51 and post-menopause — which took me for a horrible mental ride I’ve not really come back from.
How does one figure out the right answer? I know it is fear that holds me here, but the fear is real in that I am struggling a lot with brain fog, mental exhaustion — things that I worry put my job at risk. And I work in a field where re-employment isn’t easy. I’d love your thoughts.
—— Stay or Go? DEAR STAY OR GO?: I hope you will love my thoughts, because they’re about showing some love to yourself:
You’ve been through a pandemic, you’re raising young children, you had a rough go of menopause, you don’t have financial or job security. And none of these is what you’re asking me about — it’s here as background information.
But each background issue can be, and has been in abundance, the main reason some ask for help. Yet you’re trying to make sense of a sixth problem as you’re still actively engaged with the other five.
My thoughts? You’re asking too much of yourself. Or family is, or society is, or our moment in history is. Take your pick.
While this is not an endorsement of "business" marriages, I think treating yours as a kind of romantic defeat is unfair to you both. What I see are two people who get along — "well enough" is more than good enough in a crisis — and can count on each other .
Point being, you come across to me as a soul in urgent need of restoration. And while that depleted state could arise from the unfulfilling marriage, therefore separating would be the restorative act you need, it seems more likely — given the heft of your other challenges — that the depletion itself is a culprit.
So my advice is to think restoratively — to give yourself permission to set aside Big
Things and just coast for a bit. Meet baseline needs of your children, your job, your household "business" partnership. Streamline whatever, wherever you can — and with any mentalload savings you realize, spend on your own emotional health.
What that means for anyone is intensely personal, but general outlines apply: Note what depletes you, remember what restores you, rebalance your private time accordingly. If you have access to counseling, then work that in. Get outdoors. Get moving.
A fresher mind will see your problems differently, and may even see your husband and
marriage differently.
DEAR CAROLYN:
I am preparing to have seven family members visit me at the same time this summer. I am very happy they are coming - I haven’t seen any of them for a year and half - and I plan to do everything in my power to make this a great vacation for all. But I am very perplexed about how to accommodate the various dietary needs and wants, including celiac disorder, won’t eat any fruits or vegetables, keto, fish allergy, calorie-restricted, no poultry in any form. How do I approach this so everyone is well fed and not exposed to the object of their allergy or disgust?
—— Accommodating DEAR ACCOMMODATING: This is what bars are for.
In both senses, believe me. But I specifically mean food bars - salad, taco, ramen, burger, etc.
This way, you set out enough ingredients to feed everyone enough, and they assemble their own meals from foods they can bear. Encourage group grocery expeditions.
For what it’s worth - I am 100 percent behind meeting guests’ dietary needs. Not only are there serious health considerations among the restrictions you list, but there are also several arguments for humility in presuming to decide for others what qualifies as "serious." However: If you have guests openly registering "disgust," then that’s not a dietary problem, that’s a jerk problem.