Partner’s day doesn’t seem so ‘busy’

HELLO CAROLYN: My partner has leisurely mornings and gets to work sometime in the afternoon. When I ask, over supper, how the day was, I’m usually told about how BUSY it was and the three or four tasks completed in the four to five hours he worked.

I am up at five, manage several people and a retail shop, clock overtime every week and more.

Is there a respectful way to respond to a self-described busy day? I have, thus far, tried to ask for more details while pushing down my incredulity, because he clearly believes his own press.

DEAR M.: What I do is way harder than managing a shop.

Actually I doubt it is. Sucked to read that, though, didn’t it?

You are asking a question and your partner is giving you his answer.

If you’re unimpressed by it, then ask a different question — or say out loud that you’re feeling skeptical or competitive or resentful or believe his entitlement meter is off. Say why, with supporting examples. Even a hard truth is better than mentally eye-rolling or "pushing down" stuff as you feign interest in his day.

And you’re not interested that way, not anymore: To my eye, you’re far down the path from caring about his day to comparing experiences to looking to fuel your umbrage.

Contempt, per the Gottman Institute, is "the most destructive negative behavior in relationships." So face yours headon.

If you don’t respect him, then it’s time not to be partners.

If you don’t feel seen or respected by him, then it’s time to say so and weigh his response.

If you don’t feel your workload as a couple is shared equitably, then it’s time to renegotiate it to reflect your workdays.

And if you aren’t happy with getting up at 5 and working overtime to manage people, then it’s time to rethink your own vocation instead of sniping at someone else’s.

If you do like your work — if it suits you — then does his exertion relative to yours matter? Again — if there’s something real here, say it.

HELLO, CAROLYN: I would prefer to telework permanently to avoid being exposed to dangerous situations or irrational, human lack of concern for my health and well-being. I don’t care if it’s anti-vaxxers, QAnon types, or people who just "don’t want to" wear masks or get vaccinated - if I have to work with people like that, I’d rather not ever do it face-to-face again.

I am likely to have to go back to the office. I actually enjoy the work — but all the office politics and dramas are not something I will ever tolerate or indulge again; it all feels so petty and like such a waste of time now. I really do not want any sort of relationship with co-workers any longer, beyond basic civility in order to get our work done. How do I accomplish that?

DEAR G.: I can’t argue with you about one thing: The pandemic finished the job social media started, of making an airtight case that we really, really, really don’t want to know everyone’s innermost thoughts. Or gobsmacking lack thereof.

So I’m sympathetic.

But I don’t think withdrawing forever is the answer. Living among other humans has always involved dangerous exposures to irrational people. Look at history. Look what we’ve done to each other, to ourselves. Look what we’ve done to the earth. It’s hardly just recent and not just "people like that."

Yet we also need and, paradoxically, civilize each other.

Maybe polite distance from your colleagues is wise for now; you’re anxious and justifiably burned out. (Maybe a health evaluation, too.) The "how" of office de-socializing mostly takes care of itself, too: Be kind, be cooperative, do your job and politely decline to socialize.

Eventually, though, you might consider sampling various forms of mass forgiveness so you can venture back out there. Humanity marches on, and even gets a few things right.