Wedding rituals not fun for everyone
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Iama single gay man who has been invited to a number of weddings of the children of close friends. While these are friends of long standing, we live in different parts of the country, so I don’t know the children well at all.
The wedding rituals, particularly those at many parties after the ceremony, are not things I generally feel comfortable with or enjoy. Is there a way to politely decline without offending my friends?
GENTLE READER: "No, thank you." Miss Manners shares your distaste for wedding rituals that involve lifting (garments, not chairs), stuffing or donating. A wedding is a dignified affair and its guests should not be coerced into any practices that are unseemly. No explanation — or need to listen to lengthy justifications of why this particular ritual is considered traditional — necessary.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend with whom I interact frequently. He will tell me to meet him at his apartment at a certain time. If I arrive on time, he almost always seems put out, asking why I arrived so early and complaining he feels rushed.
When I ask whether I misunderstood or misremembered the appointed time, he checks the clock and acknowledges that he lost track of time and didn’t realize it was already that time.
Tiring of his crankiness, I have made a habit of arriving several minutes late. This generally seems to have solved the problem. However, occasionally, he will notice I have arrived a
few minutes late and ask, in a way that seems to accuse me of wasting his time, why I’m late.
I tried being honest once, saying that it seemed more polite to give him a few extra minutes to prepare. That was a mistake, as he didn’t like the implication he wasn’t usually on time.
Now, I just apologize and promise to mend my ways even though I have no intention of doing so, as being on time is far and away more likely to cause problems than being slightly late. I have been wondering whether this is the best approach, though. Does Miss Manners have a better solution, short of breaking off the friendship?
While my friend is cranky about time, he has many other redeeming features and we have many mutual interests. GENTLE READER: You seem to be spending loads of unnecessary energy getting around the problem — by guessing your friend’s changing mood and daily schedule — rather than addressing it head-on.
"When we make plans, please let me know when would be the ideal time to meet. I tend to go by the clock, but am happy to employ another system. I just need to know what it is."
Miss Manners recognizes that this might make your friend take offense. But given your history, that seems inevitable. At least this time you will be expecting it. Which is more than he can say about your arrivals.