Sister-in-law’s food fussiness annoys
DEAR CAROLYN: To say my sister-in-law is a picky eater would be a massive understatement. She dislikes more foods than she likes, and feels the need to loudly proclaim her disgust with various foods at every opportunity. More than half the time when dining out, she calls the waiter over to complain about what’s on her plate and asked that it be removed or recooked. When friends are discussing food or cooking and someone mentions a food she hates, she will blurt out "Ewwww! Yuck!" If she’s eating at someone else’s home, she’ll hover over the kitchen preparations, making sure every morsel is prepared to her exact specifications.
She is not allergic to foods, she just doesn’t like them. It is maddening to be around her anytime food is involved, but I can’t think of a way to discuss this with her that will not offend her. Can you help?
— Fed Up in Fresno DEAR FED UP IN FRESNO: Discuss this with her to what end? We’re talking about an adult who blurts out "Ewwww! Yuck!" unironically in polite company whenever someone says "mushroom" or "clam." So I don’t have exceedingly high hopes that she will yield to the force of your logic.
There are a few things you can do internally, though, to make her less annoying. First, don’t get so caught up in the behavior that you miss the subtleties of taste in food. People often lump all food refusals that don’t involve allergies under one heading: "optional." And therefore childish, political or spoiled. No doubt some are - we’re talking about people, after all - but so many intolerances are physiological or principled that the bystanders getting huffy about other people’s hang-ups are the ones who start to sound childish.
Has a specific food ever triggered your gag reflex? If not, you’re lucky, but if it has, then it won’t be a stretch to imagine what it would be like if 30 foods had that effect on you instead of just one.
Think neurological, not jerkological, just in general, and you will like people so much better.
That could apply to her comments, too. Maybe she struggles with social cues. Maybe she gets anxious and that anxiety knocks her filters askew. Maybe she has taken so much flak over parsley or cucumbers that she’s reactive now at the slightest provocation. Maybe feel lucky, not judgy. Maybe these are a stretch but they’re not intended as justifications. I offer each as a potential access point to your forgiveness reflex. Whenever she starts, you train yourself to think, "She is not good at this, for whatever reason," instead of, "She is so infuriating and I need to make her stop."
DEAR CAROLYN: My husband and I have been together five years. He’s been my rock through all sorts of pretty unusual and terrible stuff.
Two weeks ago I found out he was using dating websites, nearly daily. He lied, saying it was an ad, and that his profile was inactive. A week later, I caught him again using the site, but didn’t confront him.
A friend who still uses the website has sent me several screenshots of his profile with the "online now!" indicator.
Since I’ve already brought it up, and he was dishonest, what’s the best way forward? If he’s looking at the menu and not ordering, I feel like we can work it out, but again, I don’t trust him to be honest about it.
— All The Feelings All at Once in Albuquerque
To adapt a phrase, the only way forward is through. Let’s just
DEAR ALL THE FEELINGS:
skip the low-percentage possibilities (an ad, a hack, a Photoshop, an evil twin) and agree for the sake of argument you have him dead to rights. That’s what you need to say to him, calmly:
"I have you dead to rights. To me, lying to my face about this is worse even than doing it. So please. Talk to me."
Obviously it is not good news for your marriage when your spouse is actively secretly dating. But the more important news will come out of this conversation. Will he lie you straight to an attorney’s office, or will he let the two of you address, together, whatever the problem is? If the truth is stuck inside him,will he at least agree to counseling with you? Because problems themselves don’t end marriages. Hitting a wall when you try to solve them does.