That blubbering you hear is the father of the bride

Okay. M.E.’s only instruction to me was to keep my father-ofthe-bride toast under three minutes.

Under three minutes! These days I can barely get out of bed in under three minutes, let along sum up how I feel about my daughter on her wedding day with charm, grace and wit.

Maybe I should slip the DJ twenty bucks and tell him to start playing soft music if I run over my allotted time, like they do at the Oscars. Sure, because wedding DJs are known for playing soft music.

I could start with a joke. The old Henny Youngman line, “The secret to a happy marriage … remains a secret.” Eh, funny, but it may not set the right tone for the evening. Or their marriage.

I need an idea.

I wonder if Chat GPT could come up with something good.

No, I can’t do it. I’m a professional writer. I can’t use artificial intelligence to write a toast to my daughter and new son-inlaw. What’s wrong with me? I’m pathetic.

Wait, I got it. “M.E. and Sam — theirs is a love story to rival Taylor Swift’s and Travis Kelce’s.” Now we’re cooking! Contemporary, hip reference, shows I’m down with the kids.

Okay, so, since that’s pretty much all I know about Taylor and Travis, where do I go from here? Ummmmmm …

I’ll just say what’s in my heart. How much I love M.E. and how proud I am of her. How she used to run to the door and cry out “Dada!” every night when I came home from work. I’ll talk about all the books we read together and the many great tea parties we shared.

Yeah, that’s good. I’m sure I can make it through at least two sentences before bawling uncontrollably. Embarrass my daughter on her wedding day. Yup, I can check that box. Perfect.

You know, on second thought, three minutes may be way too long for a father of the bride toast.

What if I really screw this up? Someone is bound to be recording me. The last thing I need is to have video of me fumbling through the biggest speech of my life posted all over social media. I can see it now: “Father of the Bride’s Epic Toast Fail.”I’ll be a freakin’ Tik Tok meme.

Overheard at the wedding reception: “M.E.’s father really blabbered through the toast. Do you think he’s starting to lose it?”

“Sure sounded like it. I wouldn’t be surprised if she starts looking into assisted living places for him right after her honeymoon.”

Who am I kidding? It doesn’t matter what I say. I could be reading aloud the Declaration of Independence and chances are I’m going to be choking back tears. My grandfather was the same way. It’s a Sicilian thing.

My little girl is getting married. How is that possible? It’s all gone by so quickly, like … three minutes.