How to talk with your white children about race and racism
The awakening now occurring in white America about racism, spurred on by the insistent protests that Black community members are leading in the Capital Region and across the country, is sorely needed. We urgently need government action on many fronts, but whites must also look at ourselves and our families.
Among the most important changes we can make is in how we raise our white children. A few months ago, I went to Barnes & Noble and pored over the books on parenting. All but one were by white authors. Almost none offered advice on talking with children about race and racism.
“Why are you Black?” When I was in the third grade that was the question my 6-year-old brother asked a friend of mine, who was my only Black classmate. My mother shut it down by saying, “We don’t talk about that!” And we never did.
Like my mom, three-quarters of white parents avoid discussing race with their children. By contrast, three-quarters of Black parents make certain to do so to protect their children.
Shushing children from talking about race only teaches them that it is a taboo topic.
White parents do not talk about race with their children because they think doing so is racist or that not talking about race will result in everyone being treated equally; or they have bought into a false narrative that race does not matter. They think their children are too young, should be allowed to enjoy their
childhood, or that they don’t notice race. But, colorblind child-rearing is very damaging. It not only fails to equip white children to live in a multicultural society, it contributes to the likelihood that they will accept the institutional racial inequalities they observe around them as normal or natural. It makes white children less capable of recognizing acts of racism even when they are obvious.
Experts on talking with children about race and racism recommend four basic guidelines:
Engage in frequent, age-appropri
■ ate conversations: These conversations can start by age 2 or 3. While adults might wish that children won’t notice race, for children it is the visible, physical human feature that is most distinguishable. Be age appropriate, but don’t underestimate your child. If they are old enough to talk about gender, they are old enough to talk about race.
■ Be honest and open; listen and ask questions: A statement that would be racist coming from an adult may simply be curiosity from a child, like my 6-yearold-brother’s “Why are you Black?”
Howard Stevenson, who specializes in helping children, teachers and parents cope with racial conflict, recommends, “Rather than challenge them about their words, get a sense of what they understand it to mean from their perspective.” A good question can be, “What makes you think (or say) that?”
■ Be direct in addressing systemic racial inequality: Children are very concerned about fairness, which can provide an excellent entrée to discussing systemic racism. TV shows, video games, or books can provide conversation starters. So can circumstances we observe with our children, like segregated housing patterns or seeing the police stop a person of color.
■ Empower children to be change makers: Work with your children, and their friends, to identify ways to advocate for change. This might involve taking them to a protest, advocating with their school for culturally affirming curriculum, or holding a bake sale to support a racial justice organization.
One more tip: Just do it. Don’t wait for the perfect moment. Recognize that you will make mistakes, but you can learn from these mistakes. You can apologize and keep working at it. Your children and our world will benefit.