Job offers in different cities tests relationship

Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend and I both graduated from law school. Despite our best efforts to find jobs together in New York, his best job offer came from Philadelphia and mine from the Bay Area. It seems cut-and-dried: We either break up or start planning for a long-distance relationship.

But our relationship is easily the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I lie awake at night thinking I would regret or resent the job terribly if it cost me this relationship. So I am thinking of rolling the dice on Philadelphia. (My boyfriend seems dead-set on going.)

When I bring it up, he seems happy to have me move there, too — at least, he doesn’t ask me not to.

How can I tell whether this is worth considering, or just fear?

Stay or Go? Dear Stay Or Go?: I already hate this answer, and I haven’t written it yet. But I will lie awake at night if I don’t say it. So.

You are ready to chuck everything to be with him. He is not ready to chuck everything (or anything?) to be with you.

This isn’t automatically bad. If I were you, though, I hope I would think hard about what our priorities say about the health of our relationship and the wisdom of putting so many chips on that square.

Obviously, Philadelphia is big enough for the both of you. You could move there, break up a day later, and launch a rewarding career and personal life without him. To that end, if you do relocate for him, live apart to develop your own root systems there, a source of strength for both of you. If that sounds good — if you’re ready to invest in the city regardless — then, great.

But whatever you do, please treat this crossroads and each of your approaches to it as valuable data.

His reticence, for example: Why isn’t he telling you what he thinks, fully? “I would love to have you there, but it doesn’t seem fair of me to ask it.” Or, “I am ready for a fresh start.” Or, “If you take a career hit for this, I will feel partly responsible and I am not comfortable with that.” Or, “I have been secretly hoping you would choose Philadelphia, but I’ve kept my mouth shut because I knew it had to be your decision completely.”

And why aren’t you asking?

There are so many possible truths here, and all you’ve got from your intimate partner: “When I bring it up, he seems happy.” Is that really enough to relocate on? Love takes time to grow, but indifference is barren soil.

Make your choice now for you, whatever it is. Call it Plan A and Plan Me.

Readers’ thoughts

Loving relationships are wonderful, but they don’t really stick until you’ve invested in yourself and your life to the point where you are the best thing that’s ever happened to you. I married, then divorced, the “best thing that ever happened to me.” Years later, I have the best partner I could imagine because I’m my own partner first.

Take the best offer for you as a person and your career. You will never again have this wide a variety of options in job offers. Prioritize yourself. He clearly isn’t prioritizing you.

You’re trying to figure out if he wants you to come to Philly without asking him if he wants that. If you can’t just have a conversation about it, then I’d say you’re not ready to move to another city for him.