When bartender has a crush on your spouse
Dear Carolyn: My husband and I have been married for a long time and have a close circle of friends that we see weekly at our local watering hole. We’ve gone for years and are friendly with many of the longtime bartenders, as well as the owner. One bartender apparently has a thing for my husband — and she’s letting everyone know.
About a year ago, she DM’D one of our friends that she has loved him for a year, and he loves her. She said she doesn’t want to be a homewrecker, but my husband is “obviously unhappy” in a toxic relationship with me. She asked for their support and to let my husband choose to love her. She confronted my husband — while I was there! — and told him he is perfect and she knows he’s unhappy.
This episode really made him anxious and uncomfortable. Since then, she asks our friends about him, worried that she hasn’t seen him for a while, when it’s mostly because we AVOID the place while she works there. Two years on with her unrequited feelings, and she still talks about this with others every couple of months.
I want my husband to say something to her, but he is not confrontational, gets easily flustered and doesn’t often stand up for himself. He worries we will “poison the well” and not be able to go back to this place if we say anything.
I want to say something to her, but am deferring to his wish that I do not.
To be clear — my husband is not into her, we have an excellent relationship, and he has no idea why she thinks this. I believe him and know he would not stray. Can I say something? Should I? Should I tell her boss? I just want to have a drink in peace.
Befuddled Barfly Dear Befuddled Barfly: There are three people here more accountable than you are.
No. 1 is the bartender herself, for having boundaries so dysfunctional they sound unhinged.
No. 2 is your husband, who clearly is imperfect, since he could have put you all at ease with one significant but otherwise formulaic exercise of spine: “I do not love you, I love my wife. Do not talk to me or contact my friends about this again.” He can shake and sweat all he wants through the delivery, but delivering this message was and still is absolutely his responsibility. As a service to all of you, including to her.
No. 3 is the owner, who will also benefit when (ahem) your husband takes his proper stand. The owner may not actually know this yet, but — two years, friendly place, regular customers, unhinged declarations of love? I doubt anyone around this watering hole is completely in the dark. Regardless: An owner is responsible — upon receipt of this information — for reining in or firing such an under-boundaried employee.
When no one at the top of the accountability chain takes responsibility, then you’re stuck with it. Husband first, since that’s the connection you care about most. “Please draw clear lines. For me if not for you. [Owner] also needs to know.”
Do not budge. (But do bring your pet bunny inside.) “Every couple of months” may seem brush-offable, but look at its poisoning effect.