Parents’ divorce complicates plans for ‘dream’ wedding

Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: I’m at a complete loss. About a year ago, my father uprooted our close-knit and happy family by announcing he wanted to divorce my mom after 30 years of marriage. This has absolutely gutted my family and ruined our family friendships because of the disinformation he’s spreading about her.

My mom’s lifelong dream was to throw me a “dream wedding,” which now feels unattainable due to the blow our family has taken, and the fact that he will be paying the bill. I don’t want to spend time with him or his friends, or put on a show for these people, but I want to make my mom happy, so I was OK with it. Until yesterday: I found out my dad has a new, younger girlfriend, and I can’t handle it.

How can I make my mom happy, cut off my dad and still somehow have a happy wedding, if possible? Please help.

Gutted Dear Gutted: I’m sorry, that is a lot all at once.

First, you just learned about the girlfriend. Don’t do anything rash. Wait till the news settles.

Second, please let the “dream wedding” go. Not because your father did what he did, but because moms don’t get to have their kids’ dreams for them. Period.

Now, parents’ big dreams do work sometimes, where parent and kid are mostly aligned and you both go “yay!” Plus, it may seem like something you can do for your mom at a terrible time, which would in turn help you feel better.

But these options apply only if they’re realistic, and they’re not here. Your dad is not paying the bill — not when you take moral issue with what he’s telling people (he’s entitled to date). There’s no looking the other way at “disinformation” just so he pays the bill.

So adult up and start Dream Plan B. Who’s paying for it, how much, what that buys, where, when, for how many people, including whom. Answer those and there’s your “happy wedding.” Readers’ thoughts: - OMG, enough with the wedding dreams already. I hated my own wedding because I caved to so much of what my mom wanted (and I’m divorced now anyway).

- She had her own wedding already! That was the time to fulfill her wedding dreams. Tell her if she’d like to host a post-wedding party for you to celebrate, like a few weeks later, then she can do whatever she wants for you then.

Carolyn: Thank you guys for responding. I should provide more context: I don’t have strong opinions, so I don’t feel like I’m sacrificing anything by letting her find some joy in planning my wedding. Where I come from, big weddings are a rite of passage for the parents and their friends. It’s weird, but I don’t mind it. I agree with Carolyn, I need to adult up and figure out a Plan B, knowing my dad will have to be involved in some way.

Gutted again Dear Gutted Again: Will he? Spreading rumors is a legitimate dealbreaker. Involvement in your wedding is a privilege, not a right. If you haven’t asked him to cut the badmouthing crap, then ask, and weigh his response among all the complexities of family. The “or else you won’t be at my wedding” is the part of the ultimatum you leave unspoken — and enforce if integrity demands it.