Wife is constantly looking for evidence of spouse’s infidelity

Adapted from an online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: My wife will occasionally go through my phone looking for evidence. I don’t change my password because there is nothing there, or anywhere in my life. But she always finds something she can interpret as suspicious. Think: “Do you have a minute for a quick meeting?” followed by, “Sure, I’ll be right down.” To her, this could be an affair. She is a smart woman, but her brain fools her. She can’t be open to the fact that there is nothing between the lines.

This happens about once every six months, and her anger lasts for a couple of weeks. There is nothing I can say because I can’t confess to anything.

But now she has started insisting I “explain” anything she finds that she doesn’t like, and she decides whether she believes my explanation. This drags the cycle out much longer. When I say I am done explaining, that, in her mind, justifies her continued anger.

Her previous relationship (decades ago) ended in infidelity, and I’m sympathetic. Her brain plays tricks on her. But I find this cycle exhausting and infuriating. She would lose it if I looked in her phone.

We’ve had therapy but never make it beyond her long list of accusations, because she quits therapy when she is no longer interested. There’s nothing for me to say to a therapist (about this) if I go alone.

I want to spare my wife this painful cycle and lock my devices, but I worry that would be absolute proof I have something to hide. It could really explode. What do you think?

A word of advice to snoopers: Is there anything you could find that would make you feel better? If not, don’t start.

Dear Exhausted: She is calling you a liar and a cheat, renewably ever after, and she is judge and jury.

How is that okay? For argument’s sake, let’s pretend she’s right: Then why hasn’t she dumped you? Why stay with such an awful, untrustworthy person?

There’s just zero excuse for her behavior, either way. Getting betrayed wasn’t her choice, but how she deals with it is.

What she’s doing to you is emotional abuse. We tend to flag it immediately when it’s overt, like a spouse saying, “You’re too stupid to understand,” or, “You’re a lying piece of [something].” But put it under the fig leaf of a woman’s suspicion or accusation of infidelity, and too often it gets a pass.

No, no, no.

Ask yourself why you stay.

And call all this what it is: “I understand your ex hurt you. Decades ago. And it was never permission to take your pain out on me twice a year for the rest of my life. That is emotional abuse.

“So, no. I won’t stand for it. If you think I’m cheating and lying to you, then let’s end this. Get it over with. But if you believe I’m a good person, then own that and get help.”

If she doesn’t get help, then call an attorney. If she snoops again, then call an attorney. Lock your phone no matter what.

And don’t ever explain “evidence” again. “I’ve said my piece. You either trust me or you don’t.” You have years and years of proof that explanations accomplish nothing. So, “really explode”? Fine. Proceed from there.

Carolyn Hax

Exhausted

tellme@washpost.com by Robert “Chance” Brown, Brian Walker and Greg Walker