A look back at 2015
through the humor of Dave Barry
A re we saying that 2015 was the worst year ever? Yes, we are saying that. This was the year when the “selfie” epidemic, which was already horrendous, somehow got even worse.
This was the year of the “man bun.”
It’s like we’re on the Titanic, and it’s tilting at an 85-degree angle with its propellers way up in the air, and we’re dangling over the cold Atlantic trying to tell ourselves: “At least there’s no waiting for the shuffleboard courts!”
So let’s take one last look back at the hideous reality of 2015, which began, as so many ill-fated years have in the past, with …
JANUARY
… which finds the Midwest gripped by unusually frigid weather, raising fears that the bitter cold could threaten the vast herd — estimated in the thousands — of Republican presidential hopefuls roaming around Iowa expressing a newly discovered passion for corn. As temperatures plummet, some candidates are forced to survive by setting fire to lower-ranking consultants.
For most Americans, however, the cold wave is not the pressing issue. The pressing issue — which will be debated for years to come — is how, exactly, did the New England Patriots’ footballs get deflated for the AFC championship game. The most fascinating theory is put forth by Patriot head coach Bill Belichick, a man who, at his happiest, looks like irate ferrets are gnawing their way out of his colon. He opines — these are actual quotes — that “atmospheric conditions” could be responsible, and also declares that “I’ve handled dozens of balls over the past week.” This will turn out to be the sports highlight of the year.
In Paris, 2 million people march in a solidarity rally following the horrific terrorist attack on the French satirical newspaper Charlie Hebdo. Eyebrows are raised when not a single top U.S. official attends, but several days later, Secretary of State John Kerry arrives in France with James Taylor, who — this really happened — performs the song “You’ve Got a Friend.” This bold action strikes fear into the hearts of terrorists, who realize that Kerry is fully capable, if necessary, of unleashing Barry Manilow.
In sports, the first-ever NCAA Division I college football playoffs reach a surprising climax when the Oregon Ducks are defeated in the championship game 42-20 by the New England Patriots. Asked how this is possible, given that the Patriots play in the NFL, Coach Belichick opines that it could be a result of “global climate change.”
Speaking of surprises, in …
FEBRUARY
… NBC suspends “Nightly News” anchor Brian Williams after an investigation reveals inaccuracies in his account of being in a military helicopter under fire in Iraq. “Mr. Williams did not actually come under fire,” states the network. “Also technically he wasn’t in a helicopter in Iraq; it was a Volvo station wagon on the New Jersey Turnpike. But there was a lot of traffic.”
Abroad, Greece, under intense pressure to meet its debt obligations, gives Germany two of its three remaining goats.
In the War on Terror, the White House, having struck a powerful blow with the James Taylor Tactical Assault Ballad, boldly follows up by — again, this really happened — hosting a three-day “Summit on Countering Violent Extremism,” featuring both workshops and symposiums.
In the year’s biggest literary story, representatives of 88-year-old Harper Lee, denying allegations that they’re seeking to cash in on the beloved author’s literary fame, announce plans to publish what they claim is her recently discovered second book, “Fifty Shades of a Mockingbird.”
In sports, the New England Patriots defeat the Seattle Seahawks 28-24 to win a Super Bowl marked by surprises, including one play in which the Patriots — undetected by game officials — had a grenade launcher on the field, an infraction that Coach Belichick later blames on “wind shear.”
As February draws to a close, 5,000 ISIS troops land in Mexico and march north. They are able to reach Cleveland unnoticed because the entire U.S. population is heatedly arguing over the color of a picture of a dress on the Internet.
Speaking of heated, in …
MARCH
… over the strong objections of the Obama administration, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu addresses a joint meeting of Congress. He immediately becomes a leading contender for the Republican presidential nomination.
Abroad, Russian President Vladimir Putin mysteriously vanishes from public view for 10 days. It is later revealed that he was training customer service representatives for Comcast.
In finance news, shares on European financial markets plummet when German authorities announce that one of the Greek goats is actually a highly modified squirrel.
In a harsh reminder that the winter is not over, Boston Mayor Martin Walsh is eaten by a polar bear.
Abroad, tensions mount on the Korean peninsula when North Korea, in an unprecedented cyberattack, posts an estimated 23 million negative reviews of South Korea on Yelp.
Speaking of tension, in …
APRIL
… Washington, D.C., is shaken when a Florida mailman, making a powerful statement for or against something, lands a gyrocopter on the lawn of the Capitol Building. He immediately becomes a frontrunner for the Republican presidential nomination.
Elsewhere on the political front, Hillary Clinton declares her candidacy for president and sets out to demonstrate that she is a regular human by riding to Iowa in a custom van driven by Secret Service agents. In Maumee, Ohio, she stops at a Chipotle for takeout, a news event that produces a spasm of political journalism. The New York Times (we are not making this journalism up) breaks the story, reporting that Clinton wore sunglasses and ordered a chicken burrito bowl. Bloomberg gets a follow-up scoop, reporting that the Clinton party’s bill was “$20 and some change” but Clinton “did not leave a tip.” Politico runs a 1,200-word story headlined (we are still not making this up) “The ‘everyday people’ who made Hillary Clinton’s burrito bowl.” Incredibly, nobody thinks to do a profile of the chicken.
In sports, the NCAA men’s basketball tournament is won by the New England Patriots, who defeat the University of Wisconsin 2-0 in a game featuring a basketball inflated to basically the same pressure as a roadkill squirrel.
Speaking of sports, in …
MAY
… the big sports story is the long-awaited — we’re talking decades — boxing match between Floyd Mayweather Jr. and Manny Pacquiao for the undisputed world title in the Older Guys Basically Standing Around division. Mayweather wins the fight and takes home $220 million, which works out to a little over $70 million per punch actually landed, then celebrates by attempting to wake up his entourage.
In Garland, Texas, two armed men are gunned down by police after they open fire on a security guard outside an exhibit of Muhammed cartoons, highlighting the need for a national conversation on the problem of cartoonists drawing things that leave religious fanatics with no choice but to try to kill them. James Taylor is unavailable, so federal authorities dispatch The Captain and Tennille to the scene, where they perform a powerful version of “Muskrat Love.”
As California’s drought continues to worsen, Gov. Jerry Brown announces a controversial relief plan involving Lake Superior and a 17-million-foot hose.
Speaking of disturbing, in …