Boyfriend’s constant gift giving could endanger job
DEAR J.T. & DALE: I have a new boyfriend and he is very generous. He loves to send me presents at work to brighten my day. In the beginning, it was great, but now I’m thinking it’s hurting my career. My boss even mentioned that it was over the top. When I told my boyfriend, he encouraged me to quit. I don’t want to do that. But he won’t stop sending the presents and, honestly, I love getting them. What should I do? — Corrine
Dale: It isn’t often we get a totally new question, so thanks for that, Corrine. And while I suspect that the problem is self-correcting — he’s going to run out of energy or money, or you’re going to run out of closet space — I do think it’s worth exploring. So, here’s what I’m wondering: Why would he send gifts to the office? If you give a gift, you’re expressing affection and maybe hoping to inspire reciprocation. But when you make a show of it by sending gifts to the office, you’re inviting outsiders into the conversation, perhaps changing it from “You’re wonderful” to “Look how wonderful I am.” Am I overthinking this, J.T.?
J.T.: Maybe not. It does seem odd that he feels the need to keep sending gifts in front of your co-workers. If he really cares for you, Corrine, I’d like to think he would want what’s best for your career. I would sit him down and ask him if he could give you the presents after work hours so he could see you opening them. If he doesn’t agree, then perhaps you should think deeply about his inability to compromise.
Dale: I love the pitch: “so he could see you opening them.” Make it just between the two of you. If he objects, I’d worry.
J.T.: Is it possible he’s hoping you’ll lose your job? He seemed pretty eager to have you quit when you mentioned your boss’s feedback. Be careful. Losing your job because of an overpowering boyfriend could cause problems down the line. Imagine when a new employer calls and does a reference check. Will your ex-employer explain the distraction that caused you to get fired? What are the chances that a new employer will want such a distraction? I’d really make an effort to get your new boyfriend to see the bigger picture here.
Dear J.T. & Dale: I want to make a career change from being a lawyer to working for a nonprofit. I’m having trouble making the transition. Any suggestions? — Clark
Dale:
Yes, there’s an easy but powerful solution: Stop trying to leap across that river and instead learn where to find the stepping stones. Here’s what I mean. If you do what you’re probably doing — sending résumés to nonprofits — they’re dismissing you as having no relevant experience. However, start doing legal work for nonprofits, or apply to law firms that have nonprofits as clients, and the stepping stones start to appear.
J.T.: Yes, getting into the nonprofit world can be a much bigger leap than you might think. Not only do a lot of people want to work for a charity, but also seasoned nonprofit managers understand that, while people want to make the change, they often can’t handle it when they do. It’s likely they are assuming you would miss the paycheck that comes with being a lawyer. Plus, they’ll assume that you’ll also find the red tape and lack of resources associated with nonprofits pretty frustrating. So, you’ll need to really prove to nonprofits that you can hack it. In addition to the career evolution Dale is proposing, another way in would be to start volunteering. I’m not just talking about attending an event or two, but carefully choosing a cause and getting involved beyond the normal volunteer. When you can add value to their efforts, they’ll take notice of your commitment. Lastly, be sure to ramp up your networking with professionals who are on the boards of the charities you are interested in working for. They will be able to give you some advice and make introductions that can help you build your credibility.
His incessant stream of presents sent to girlfriend’s workplace could have an ulterior motive — getting her fired