Teach your children proper manners
Is it harmful to teach kids to say ‘thank you’? “People almost invariably arrive at their beliefs not on the basis of proof but on the basis of what they find attractive.”
So said 17th Century French mathematician and philosopher Blaise Pascal. He meant that people are more likely to form opinions based on emotions than evidence.
I thought of Pascal’s insight as I read several excerpts from “PARENTSPEAK: What’s Wrong with How We Talk to Our Children — and What to Say Instead” (Workman, 2017) by California parent educator Jennifer Lehr.
The gist of “PARENTSPEAK” is that seemingly innocuous things parents often say to children — “Say thank you,” for example — are actually psychologically harmful. Other such apparently toxic comments include “Say you’re sorry,” “Give Grandma a kiss” and “Be careful!”
Lehr asserts that comments and instructions of this sort “are all about control.” Rather than taking time to understand children’s feelings, thoughts, and motivations, parents focus on obedience. What’s
to understand? Children do not know what is best for them. Their feelings and thoughts, often a muddle, require as much direction as their behavior. They need adults who will take charge when taking charge is called for.
Pascal would say that Lehr’s psychoanalysis of her daughter’s response to “Say thank you” is based not on evidence but rather nothing more than Lehr’s own emotional state. Furthermore, it’s the sort of thing that often reflects a lack of emotional boundary between parent and child, also known as codependency. My mother — definitely not the codependent type — gave me similar instructions when I was a child. I don’t recall feeling demeaned or resenting her for lowering my sense of personal dignity. The simple fact is that when it comes to proper manners, children require tutoring until the manners become habit. Proper manners demonstrate respect for others. Therefore, instructing a child in proper manners is good and more accurately called direction, not control.
On her website, Lehr identifies as one of her influences the “democratic decision-making principals (sic)” of psychologist Thomas Gordon, author of “Parent Effectiveness Training,” published in 1971.
Yep, the professional community has been recommending this sort of hogwash for more than forty-five years, during which time child mental health has gone down the tubes. Ironically, the more parents have focused on their children’s feelings, the more difficulty children have had keeping their feelings under control.